STRANGER THINGS 3 [DISCONTINUED]

Update

So, um... Hello? How y'all doing? I feel like I owe you an explanation.

That was straight forward... It's 20 past midnight here in and I feel somehow ready to face all of you guys that have been reading this while I took my long ass time to get my life back on track. At the time that I wrote the "Announcement" this story had 600 views and over the coarse of a few months it has 1.29k which is so surreal to me and I couldn't be more thankful to all of you that have been reading this story with only a few chapters posted! I hope that you guys enjoyed my thoughts all smashed into few chapters God knows how! Even though I've been absent, I followed the growth of this story and I'm beyond proud and thankful and happy! This story really was a light to my many dark moments that I went (and still am going) through!

On that note, I really do feel like I owe you an explanation with hope that some of you may understand my "struggles" and emotions that I'm facing. With this, I don't want to amplify that I have the worst problems in the world and that I'm the only one struggling in this damn world, but what I want to do is to maybe make someone feel like they're not alone. From personal experience, I know how it feels to feel so alone and so left out from the rest of the world, not because the world does that to me... More like I'm keeping myself hostage in my own mind and body, not letting myself grow as an individual.

I studied science and medicine for a few years and I've been interested in that field. I know how most illnesses "work". I'm well aware of what I have, theoretically. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for five years now. Through these years I did numerous research on what I'm dealing with and how I should deal with it. I've never asked for professional help or guidance (basically I "self medicated" myself with alcohol and cigarette and dark and twisted thoughts at three am). To know the theoretical part of this is crucial, but in practice is living hell! Even with all the knowledge that I gathered throughout the years, I still can't help myself when the dark times call! I always wanted to pin point this demon that I have in side of me to a specific person, a person that I can blame for everything wrong in my life, but the only bad guy I find is myself! I only find myself standing in front of me with a f*cking chain saw, covered in blood and a nasty smirk, saying "Run B*tch!*. And i run! I run for five years now! I run and I look for a peaceful place to hide until it finds me again and chases me faster than the last time!

With me, I get my depression in waves. It was easily triggered in the beginning, but as i gained experience with dealing with that nasty b*tch, I started to develop a thick skin that made me isolate myself from a lot of things! I used to have a lot of friends, fake or not. I used to be a social butterfly in the early years of my depression. People knew me for always being "the life of the party"! I did dance, acted, joined the debate club and was practically out every weekend with a lot of people around me just to drown that voice. I used to cut (and i'm proud to say that I'm cut free for almost a year now), took pills that are used for pain relief just to ease everything inside of me. Cigarettes and alcohol were something that I used on a daily to just cope with that voice and make it nicer (which I now realise that it's not the answer! Please don't drink, don't smoke it's not nice for your health). Oh, and if you're wondering, I turned eighteen a month and something ago, but I grew up in a country where you can go to clubs when you're 13 by just dressing up a little bit more!

So, back on why i took this long ass break!

As i mentioned in the previous post, I was in such a good state where I was focused on this book, I studied hard and did really good at work! I was happy. A part of me was missing, but i was probably the most stable I've been in the last three years. Early March, I got news that I wasn't ready and prepared for. My granddad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, again! He needed immediate surgery, but not one surgeon agreed to be a lead in his operation due to the heavy risk it had! Thus begins the month long battle of my parents and close relatives trying to find a suitable team that will agree to do the operation! We don't live in the same country with my grandparent, so on top of giving medical support to my grandad, we had to give emotional support to my nan over Skype. I would lie if I said that I didn't blame God for all of this (as I mentioned, I always want to find a person to blame everything on). God and I don't have the best relationship, but if you want me to go deep on my whole battle with depression, anxiety, gender and sexuality "crisis", including using "legal drugs" at an early age, I would be more than happy to share it due to my therapist's recommendation of me trying to share my emotions with more people (look at me finally asking for help!)

So, back on track! My granddad's sickness was the spark that lit my depression back on. On top of the problems in my household, I had to deal with a thing that I'm still struggling to this very moment. I always felt misplaced, in both creative and personal aspects in life. I always felt that i'm not cool enough to hang out with the cool kids, but not "nerdy" or smart enough to hang out with that type of crowd. I find myself rather eccentric than cool. I always taught that my eccentric way of approaching everyday things pushed most of the people in my life out of it, mainly the male species that i taught i was only attracted to. On top of this, i always found the pleasure of being near females and the way they made me feel. I know that I'm probably not making any sense now, it's because i don't know how to explain this! Basically, I've only dated males in my life, where i lived lesbians were a myth and even if someone is they hid it by dating males. I've always been attracted to A PERSON, not to the gender of that PERSON. I value the soul and mind of an individual rather than what they have between their legs or even what they like to go in their holes!

As time passed by, I found comfort in watching RuPaul's Drag Race. While watching it, I realised that I'm not weird, that I can be accepted if I learned "what" I really am! There's nothing wrong with me sexuality wise. The only wrong is me not being ready to confess to myself that I am what I am. I still haven't said out loud to myself that i'm pansexual. For me gender is fluid and it's something that society uses to label us easier. To me, gender is just part of our anatomy and physiology and it shouldn't be a determine factor for a lot of things in our society! I want to tell my friends and my family and just express my feeling, but I know that they won't understand. My parents made more than once that they don't want queer people under their roof, but don't mind other people being queer! As for my friends, I know that they'll probably say it's a faze so what's the point? Even if they don't say that, I still don't have the courage to say that to myself with out freezing in place and without my mind being blocked. Also, I started wearing a pride bracelet and when my mum asked me why I have that on I just said it's to support my gay friend, while I reality it's to remind myself to already confess and get it over with. I started praying to get so drunk while out some night and confess everything just so I won't remember it in the morning!

Overall, the conclusion to this would be that I'm an emotional mess and that I need to get my shit together and start writing this damn fan fiction because i don't want to make people wait! My granddad is doing good now, it's been almost two and a half months. He ended up getting two surgeries, but this is not the last destination. He still has chemo and there is still a chance of it coming back! As for my confused young adult mind, I'm working on getting myself drunk as fuck so I can confess everything to my idiots of friends that i have a few and love dearest!

I'll leave you guys with this and go to bed! I hope you accept this... Whatever this is, apology, explanation, complain whatever! And, if you would like me to share more stories around everything, comment down below!

I love you guys!

-The girl with no name