Devotion (John Seed)

15. Confession

John looked at the woman sitting on his desk with her arms wrapped around his shoulders. "I want to confess John" she repeated, making sure that he heard her. She had expected him to react instantly and with excitement not shock. Isn't this what he wanted? What he said would happen?

"Why now?" He asked, both of his hands moving to cup her face. Both of them got their breathing to return to normal, as she placed her hands on his.

"I have a lot of things to get off of my chest, I need to get them off of my chest before they destroy me completely...maybe I think that I should confess and that paying for the things I've done will make me feel better. Make me feel like I can be forgiven...so I can forgive myself" Amelia admitted, hanging her head.

John took in her words before nodding and stepping away from her, taking her hand in his. He assisted her down from the desk before guiding her out of the office. Both of them felt as if their hands were made for each other, they seemed to fit together perfectly.

Amelia followed him nervously, looking down at their intertwined hands. She tilted her head as she looked at his tattoos, actually noticing them properly for the first time. She was snapped out of her thoughts when she noticed that John was unlocking a door that led to some stairs going down. John allowed her to walk through before turning and locking the door again.

He slipped his hand back into hers and intertwined their fingers. Amelia walked closely to him as they walked down into the basement. Her breath got caught in her throat when they walked into a room that was similar to the confession room in the bunker.

The room was brighter than the one in the bunker but still had an eerie feeling. In the centre of the room was a metal chair that was bolted to the floor and a metal chair in front of it, but the second chair was on wheels. Pressed against the back wall was a metal work bench with tools scatter over it. Opposite the bolted down metal chair was a large mirror that didn't quite reach from floor to ceiling, but was large enough for whoever was sitting in the chair to see their self.

Amelia wondered why John would have a confession room in his ranch. Was this where he did his siblings' confessions? Is it where he does his own confessions? Does he even do his own or does Joseph do it? Amelia frowned at the thought of John standing in front of the mirror and carving 'sloth' into his own chest, the look of guilt on his face. John looked down at her, noticing that she was in deep thought and frowning. He squeezed her hand to snap her out of it, she turned her attention back to him and smiled slightly to assure him that she was alright.

John gently guided Amelia over to the bolted chair and sat her down on it, letting go of her hand. John rolled the other chair forward before sitting on it, his knees touching hers. "Are you not going to get you tattoo gun out?" Amelia asked, some nervousness in her voice.

"Not yet, you must confess first" John told her, placing a hand on her knee. "Where would you like to start?" He asked, allowing her to do this on her own terms.

Amelia began playing with her fingers and looking down at her lap before talking. "Well...my father was a sheriff which is why I wanted to eventually be a sheriff myself, walk in his foot steps and all that...I spent my whole life working towards that goal, trying to make my parents proud. I put that above myself, all the way through school I barely had any friends and I spent every moment studying and overworking myself. When I became a junior deputy, I thought all of it would be over, that I could move on and stop trying to please everyone but I was wrong. For a moment I was some what content, tried to improve other areas of my life..." The deputy began to confess, still watching her twiddling fingers.

"What other parts of your life?" John asked, taking her fidgeting hands in his to get her to stop.

"The more personal parts of my life. I wanted to let loose and have some fun. Go out and meet people...I dunno, I just wanted to do something that wasn't about work or my future. It didn't go well" Amelia chuckled slightly. "Turns out, I'm not a very sociable person. So I gave up on that and focused on work again...then I came here...to arrest Joseph Seed under suspicion of kidnapping with intent to harm" she sighed before looking up to meet John's gaze, his expression was unreadable.

"Continue" he ordered softly.

"At first I started doing all of this, helping the resistance, because of wrath. You are right about that. I was furious, my friends and co-workers had been taken hostage and for some reason I had to lead the damn resistance. I am just a junior deputy, I was just doing my job, and now everyone wants me to take down a cult? It's a bit above my pay grade" she joked before sighing and looking back down at her lap. "But now...I'm not fuelled by wrath. I stopped caring...it's awful and I feel guilty about it but I stopped caring about who won or about helping these people. I realised that they don't care about me, none of them have even asked what my actual name is. They just need me, they depend on me but nobody actually wants me here. Then I just fought to help these people, not really caring about the outcome" the deputy shook her head, feeling bad about not actually caring whether the cult took over at this point.

"You stopped caring?" He tilted his head, stroking his thumb over the back of her hand.

"Yeah...I just couldn't...feel anything. Killing a person is hard, it was hard to kill all of those people but now it's just a part of the job. It doesn't bother me and that's...terrifying" she could feel the tears brimming in her eyes.

"Why do you fight now?" John asked, reaching up and wiping away a stay tear with his thumb.

"I don't know. I don't want to fight anymore, I can't see the point in it anymore. I don't want to kill anymore people for something that I can't bring myself to care about" she admitted, looking him in the eyes.

"Why did you come back here Amelia?" He asked curiously, tucking her hair behind her ear and cupping her cheek.

"I've never felt like somebody genuinely wanted me. My parents loved me but I always had to prove myself to them, the people of Hope County only need me here but they don't actually care about me. It might be insane but when I am here, with you, I feel wanted and desired. I don't know why but you...you are the first person, the only person, to ask me my name since I got here. You are the only person who has kept me around, fed me, gave me a place to shower and sleep. Even though I was being held captive at the time" Amelia joked, letting out a soft laugh. John gave her a short, amused smiled before looking at her to continue.

"I came back because I actually enjoyed some of my time here. And when I left for that week I felt something pulling me back here, preventing me from doing my job and taking down the cult" she explained.

"I'm proud of you Amelia, you found the courage to confess your sins and you will reach atonement. You are almost there, but you know what we must do next" John spoke softly, to reassure her.

"I'm ready" Amelia nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat as John stood from his chair. He pushed his chair to the side wall before walking over to the work bench behind her.