Devotion (John Seed)

30. Envy

The car pulled up to the ranch and John and Amelia climbed out of the car, walking silently into the ranch. As the front door closed behind them, John turned to Amelia while keeping a comfortable distance. Not wanting to upset her further.

"What did Jacob say?" John asked, not bother to waste time by dancing around he topic.

"What do you mean?" Amelia asked, with slightly widened eyes. She didn't really want to talk about it because she wasn't exactly sure how she felt yet.

"You leave with Jacob and Faith, and return with only Faith and obviously upset about something. He must've said something, what was it?" He asked again, sighing in frustration. He didn't like it when she played dumb.

"Let just say that I don't think he likes me" she sighed, hanging her head and looking at her feet.

"Amelia?" John asked softly, noticing her defeated expression. He stepped towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner.

"He knows about us John..." She told him, looking up to meet his gaze.

"What? How?" He pulled his hand back, wide eyed and Amelia saw the panic behind them.

"Apparently they all know, but they don't mind..." She tries to explain but didn't actually understand it herself.

"So why wouldn't you look at me if they accept us?" John asked slowly, not understanding what was upsetting her.

"...he said some things..." Amelia admitted. John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, waiting for the worst. "Who is Holly?" She asked.

"What?" John froze, looking at her with wide eyes.

"Who is Holly?" She asked again, getting more nervous for his answer.

"Holly is a member of Joseph's flock" he stated simply, as if she didn't already know that. He wanted to curse himself for playing dumb just after getting annoyed with Amelia doing the same thing.

"A member of Joseph flock that you slept with?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest with a stern expression. Maybe if he had just told her when she asked she would've been more understanding, but if he was trying to avoid telling her than she will be frustrated with him. If he was just honest she could begin to wrap her head around everything, but if he is hiding something from her...

"...Amelia" John sighed, trying to find the words to explain himself. No, he didn't cheat on Amelia but he felt guilty for avoiding the topic even after she asked him straight up about it.

"Just tell me the truth, John" she sighed, slumping her shoulders. Her stern expression falling into a tired one. Amelia couldn't be mad at him for sleeping with somebody before they even met, and she wasn't mad at him for that, but it goes against the rules of The Project and she just thought that he wasn't like that anymore. She know about his past addictions and understands that he may not have fully recovered or still needs to find that relief, she was worried that she was just that...nothing...

"Yes, Holly and I slept together occasionally, but she meant nothing to me...she was just like the women I knew before Eden's Gate" John assured her, stepping towards her again.

"...am I just another Holly?" Amelia asked, refusing to meet his gaze and looking at their feet. John couldn't decided whether to laugh at the ridiculous question or just wrap her in his arms.

"Of course not Amelia. You are so much more. Are you...jealous?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. The deputy...is jealous...over him?

"No!...It's just..." Amelia shook her head. She wasn't jealous but she was just worried.

"Jacob told you otherwise?" John asked, finishing her sentence for her, running a hand through his hair.

"He said that you had me wrapped around your finger" Amelia told him with a sigh. John almost smiled, knowing that if anything he was wrapped around her finger.

"Surely you know that isn't true" he reached out and placed his hands on both of her biceps.

"John...have you ever...actually had...a girlfriend?" The deputy asked, a curious look in her eyes.

"I've had a few girlfriends, before the Project, but I never really cared for any of them and they never really cared for me. All but one" John confessed, Amelia noticed the sparkle in his eye as if he was remembering something...or someone.

"What was she like?" Amelia asked, genuine curiously in her voice.

"Perfect. She was beautiful and brave. She tried to understand me, she wasn't afraid of me, she gave me the affection and attention that I needed-" John laughed lightly, trying to lighten the mood. "-she didn't turn her back on me when most people would have. She meant a lot to me" he admitted, smiling a little.

"What was her name?" She asked, feeling a wave of jealously. How could she compare with that? What she assumed to be, his first love.

"Amelia, her name is Amelia" John smiled softly, taking Amelia's hands in his. "Don't feel ashamed for feeling jealous. I am jealous of every man who has ever touched you, I was jealous when you walked into that church and escorted my brother out of those doors instead of me, I was jealous when you became friendly with the resistance, I was even jealous when my sister held your hand" John admitted.

"Perhaps our sin is envy" Amelia forced a small chuckle but smiled brightly at John and his confession.

"Trust me, it is" John nodded, smiling back at her.

"I thought that I was supposed to be the sinner" she teased, placing her hands on either side of his neck, her fingers brushing the ends of his hair.

"You are, but you are also the sweetest sin I have ever committed" John spoke quietly and softly, as if it was a secret that only the two of them shared. He rested his forehead on hers, much like Joseph would do, but it felt more connected.

"It is my duty to make you atone for you sins, to carry their burden. But it is not fair that you carry our shared sins on your own...we shall carry the burdens of those sins between us" John whispered, tucking her hair behind her ear and kissing her lips gently. The kiss was short but meaningful and his words sent shivers up Amelia's spine. She wasn't completely sure about what he meant, but she knew that she would find out soon.