F'N FABULOUS (Completed)

His Secret

"I need to tell you something," Derek said after he finally found whatever courage to speak. 

She nodded for him to go ahead.   She had to look up because of his height. Damn, he made her feel tiny.  His dark features were haloed by the sun behind him as it made its way down to the horizon. 

He is going to tell her how much he is repulsed by her? 

No. 

That he can't hang out anymore because he has a girlfriend. 

Or.. maybe that he is secretly in love with Jake.  

Maybe it would be best if she was sitting down?  

When she attempted to turn to go sit back down, he shook his head and finally spoke again.  "If you give me a second, I'll figure out how to say this.  I guess I'll start by saying it takes an amazingly strong person to be themselves unabashedly." 

Not her definitely. 

Oh god. 

Did he like Mel? 

Is that what he was going to say?

He lifted her chin when she tried to look away. "Many people don't have the subtle strength to reveal their true selves to strangers without apology or excuses much less a room of art students almost completely naked."

"You are talking about me? Umm. No, I'm not strong.  I just needed the money for my surgery and since the fire to get a new place.  I am far from strong."

Derek frowned, "I disagree.  You show it all the time.  Every day.  When you told me about how you stood there even though you wanted to punch Greg, but walked away.  That was amazing... It takes strength to not punch someone when they are degrading you just because you had the gall to be you."

Jessie put up her hand to stop him. She felt tiny. Like his presence would gobble her whole, but she was still angry because he got it so wrong. She could feel the heat radiating off him.

He was just blabbering bullshit. She thought to herself.

"It doesn't take any strength to freeze. I was a coward. Trapped in my shock I couldn't punch him even though I wanted to. Are you impressed by my strength now?" She didn't know what had come over her. She had angry tears streaming down her cheeks and that just made her more pissed.

"Do you want me to call you a coward?" His voice wasn't raised. He shook his head.

"I am, right? Hiding from the world so they can't see my shame." She spat back. Pounding a balled fist on his chest.

"Do you think I am a coward then?" He asked. His voice tiny for such a towering guy.

"What?" She shook her head and scrunched her eyebrows.

"I hide in your presence because the more I find out about you, the more I am impressed by who you are and how you hold your head up every day. I hide in food so that even though I can't taste your lips, maybe you can understand me through my food. I am hiding in friendship because I'm afraid if I tell you how I am already in love with you, you will push me away because who falls in love with someone so quickly. A few weeks and a few months isn't enough time to figure out their faults and I'm scared that when you find out about mine, you will run far away to a place where you think you can't get hurt. So go ahead call me a coward. We are all cowards. So scared of fucking up so we keep doing the same damn things every day even though from the outside it doesn't make sense."

"You aren't a coward." It was all she could say. He wrapped his arms around her and she sunk in smelling his masculine scent mixed with soap and toothpaste. "It makes perfect sense to us." Her mind was picking apart every single word he had said, but it kept rewinding.

He said he loves me?

How could he love me?

He doesn't even know me?

He was wrong.

She had to explain that to him. It was the only way.. because certainly once he understood that, he would see that this could never work.

She found her courage to find the right words. She whispered into his chest, tears pouring down her face leaving dark splotches on his shirt. "You don't want me. Even if you think you like the idea of me. It's not actually me you want. I'm disgusting. I am a man masquerading as a shell of a woman. You don't need someone who everyone already hates just because they are different. You don't want this. You can't want it. You need someone as beautiful as you- as strong as you- as kind as you. I would bring you down and you would never be happy." It was all the thoughts she had been thinking since high school. Every single doubt. Every single point.

She felt his breath stop. He pulled away. Tears were falling out of his chestnut eyes making streams down his umber skin.

"You have done gone crazy, Woman." He muttered.

"I'm not a woman." She corrected him and took a step back trying to peel herself from his grip.

"Even if you stood in front of me naked, I would see the same thing I see in my arms completely clothed. You are a breathless piece of walking art like a broken, but intricate Faberge egg priceless and unique." His soft lips touched to her burning cheek.

"I am broken." She admitted.

"So am I. We are all battling different demons."

"You are perfect. What possible battle-?"

"I'm sorry if I ramble, but this has been keeping me up all month. I have been practicing it in my head like somehow what I say is gonna make you understand my sincerity without you thinking I am a complete looney. I don't really know how to explain that I'm trying not to lose you to yourself and your past. Since meeting you, I can't get you from my thoughts. You stumbled into my life like a fallen angel. I just want to learn everything about you, but I can't. You force me to watch you from the sideline. As much as I want it to wane, it did. Every day I see you. You are the most beautiful human I have ever seen both inside and out." He rubbed his forehead. "When that asshat-" He sighed, "You have retreated into yourself. You have forced us aside so you can widdle away and make us pretend we don't hear you sobbing in your room. It breaks my heart because I want to take care of you and protect you. I want to kiss you and make all your doubts go away."

She shook her head. He was talking nonsense.

"Damn it, woman, you do something to me! I know its crazy. I need to- I want to throw you onto my shoulder and hole up in a cave making you mine in every way instead of watching you become a lump of blankets. I want to kiss you from head to toe and make you utter my name in ecstasy just from my mouth-so you understand how beautiful you are to me and have thought so since I first laid eyes on you." He groaned in frustration. "I am so scared you are going to run away and take my heart with you because you are so blind to see me in front of you. And I'm so scared you won't believe me. That I'll be stuck as just a friend and be forced to pretend to be okay seeing you while you are hurting... while wishing I could erase all your scars through the warmth of my arms. Nothing is scarier than that to me.  Becuase you won't let me. You give tidbits, but you push everyone away... even when you are broken and need help you try to do everything yourself. You don't have to do it all alone."

Jessie's voice was stuck in her throat. Her arms hung at her sides awkwardly. She couldn't breathe. "I-I just... need a moment." She pushed him away. He looked as if he was going to crumple to the ground.  

She couldn't look at him. She needed air. She turned her back and watched the last of the pinks and purples between the trees before being consumed by the dark purple blackness of the sky. It didn't take long. The light pollution made it so that only the brightest and closest stars poked through, but she tried to trace them out to help settle her breath. She didn't know what to say.  She looked back. He stood silently, the tracks of his tears still there, the redness of his eyes and puffy bags stared back at her accusing her.

She did this to him.