F'N FABULOUS (Completed)

Her Secret

Jessie steadied herself and finally admitted her secret.

"I'm not a virgin, sort of." She looked at their entwined hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. His dark skin looked so beautiful against her pale fingers. "I haven't told anyone this."

He cocked his head and she felt his other hand rubbing small circles on her back.

"It was my choice, but it wasn't. You know how kids are. Especially teens. When they get their mind on something, it becomes a game." She continued remembering the homecoming game.

The slow gently circles kept her from lingering on her rising panic. "I was a new kid my freshman year. I moved from a small town in California to a larger suburb near Chicago. That summer we moved, I came out to my parents who were amazing. I was so scared, but they really didn't care and I needed that. It was my Mom's idea to register as a female at the new school. No one knew me from before and got me on puberty blockers right away."

"It was freeing. To be able to wear the clothes I really wanted and makeup. I love make-up and fashion. I got along with everyone, at least in the beginning. Everyone always has that uber jealous girl in their high school. Mine was Chelsea Mackerel. She hated me. Hated when I got attention from the guys or her friends. When I tried out for the cheer squad, I almost didn't make it because she paid someone to steal my gym clothes and another to lock me in the bathroom."

"I'm sorry." He said.

She continued. "I got out. Climbed through the window and the other girls that did her dirty work got detention. I didn't know it was her pulling the strings. I thought we were friends. Not close friends, but friends." Jessie sighed.

When ready, she continued. "We spent weeks practicing the human pyramid that we were going to reveal during the Homecoming Game against our rival school. It was a huge surprise and something we wanted to perfect for state championships. Due to my strength, they had me on the second level above the male cheerleaders who were the foundation. I had to keep my balance and hold up the girls next to me and above me. On game night, I saw Chelsea laughing just before we went on but I waved it off thinking it was just jitters but she was telling the girls her plan so they wouldn't be surprised."

She took a moment to steady. "While we were on the field with news cameras and both schools in full attendance, she pretended to fall pulling down my skirt, my underwear, and my pantyhose. She thought she would just embarrass me. She had no clue of my bigger secret." I tear leaked out and Derek wiped it away with his thumb before going back to the soft back circles.

"I couldn't cover up because I didn't want anyone to get hurt. So I stayed in position until the others could dismount. Then I covered myself and ran off the field."

"What a bitch."

"It gets worse."

'People suck."

"Ya." This was the part no one knew.  She took another deep breath.

She continued. "I spent a week being mortified at home before my parents convinced me to face the school or to make a decision to do homeschool. I went for a day but decided I couldn't handle the murmuring. The accusatory looks. The comments. I didn't go back until one day a friend of mine called up and asked if I wanted to go to the prom with them. It was a group of them. They missed me and all that bullshit. It was bullshit too but I didn't know at the time.

"My mom and I were so excited. I got all fancy and decked out. My friends squealed and took pictures with me. It felt great to have my friends back, except Chelsea who stayed face deep snogging her boyfriend, who happened to be the high school quarterback all-star and a Junior. My crush was his little brother, Joe, who was a big lineman on the team as well. I was invited to a house party at his house the following weekend because his brother wanted me there if I could make it."

"It was a bad idea. Long story short. Alcohol. Teens. Hormones. None of it makes for a good idea. That makes things really shitty. I was trying to impress Joe, who obviously knew I liked him. He led me on and convinced me that we could make out in one of the bedrooms. I agreed. I didn't want to be seen as a nieve person. I wanted to be normal. To be accepted.  When we got into the room, he turned out the light. Then asked if he could wrap a handkerchief over my eyes so I couldn't see him, he was embarrassed and nervous." She paused. She didn't realize how hard this was going to be.

"You don't have to tell me if you aren't ready," Derek told her.

"No. I need to tell you. He didn't kiss me, but asked if he could kiss me... down there. I nodded. Surprised and excited. I felt him pull down my jeans and my underwear. I was so turned on to think anyone would accept me, especially him. The guy I liked for months. He asked if it was ok to go further if he could masturbate while licking me down below.  I didn't say no.  I heard his zipper and it was exciting.  I felt something wet. I don't know what. I thought maybe his mouth. I was enjoying the feeling of him when suddenly there was a loud crash. Then drunk laughing.  I tried to cover myself.  The lights came on and I was blinded.  When I could finally see, Joe was standing by the door looking guilty as hell trying to pull up his pants.  He didn't look at anyone especially not me.  There were four or five guys from the football team and their girlfriends.

'Look he has a hard-on.' I heard Chelsea laugh.  I don't know if they even realized he was there.  She was looking right at me and my hardon.  I tried to cover myself better.  Chelsea then turned to her friend and said, 'Meena, you are a slut. Sit on it.' She laughed at me.

"She didn't," Derek said his jaw dropped.

"She didn't. The girl was a skank.  She said she would because then she could check 'fucking a tranny' off her list, but she had standards.  She didn't fuck disgusting losers.'

"Did you tell anyone?" He asked.

She shook her head.

"Why not?"

She shrugged. "I was drinking. My parents didn't know I wasn't staying at a friend's house. I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want them to know that I lost my virginity or not. I felt like it was my fault."

"It wasn't."

"I know that now. But that is why I couldn't do anything during the Greg incident. It was like one moment, he was just being a drunk asshole and the next he was swinging it around.  When I saw his penis, I didn't respond.  What if I really am not straight? What if I only like the idea of being with a man? I know it's not helpful, but I can't get my mind to shut off. Then I got pissed for even having those weird thoughts.  I don't know what happened that night.  I assume I am still a virgin, but seriously my mind just goes on these weird tangents."

Derek didn't respond right away, but he also didn't stop his circles or drop his hand from her fingers.

"I understand if that grosses you out."

"It's a lot to process. I can't say I really know how to respond. I only know what I feel." He brought a finger to his big lips again. "Does this cause you to feel grossed out?" He kissed on the inside of Jessie's wrist. 

"No." Her voice was crackly. 

  He leaned in and gave her a small peck on the lips. "What about this? Does this?"

"No," She could barely get it out.  

"I could do this all night.  Kissing you doesn't gross me out and if you would let me... I would like to kiss you everywhere." 

Another poisonous thought impeded her cloudy mind. He was a virgin. 

"What if-" She uttered breathlessly.

His lips nibbled on hers. His tongue traced her pout asking to play. She breathed into him groaning as he fought her for control. He pressed her closer to him until they had to pull away panting for breath.

"Fuck What if." He said easily lifting her up and carrying her to his room.