3:12 am | Dazai Osamu

05. F63.9

Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, endorphin and many others – hormones are just some chemical substances, which we are unable to see, taste or smell because molecules that these substances consist of are incredibly small. However, these tiny things rule our lives. Excess or, on the opposite, lack of them may lead to some great changes in our behavior, mood or even life as following. These tiny things make us feel euphoric, happy, energetic or they can make us feel sad, pathetic and worthless. For example, I certainly knew now, that I have a lack of dopamine and serotonin and the lack of these hormones, depression, was making me want to crash my head into the wall and die most of the time.

However, for some reason, I didn't feel like this last time we met or when I was talking to (Y/N) on the phone or sending messages to her. By the way, we gave each other our phone numbers last time we saw each other! After all, since we promised to be each other's friends, we couldn't keep our promises without being able to contact each other.

To be honest, as much as I didn't sympathize the idea of having a lot of close people, it felt nice to come home and have someone to call and talk to before falling asleep. Of course, I had Odasaku and Ango, but (Y/N) was something different. She wasn't from the mafia and she was my age... I didn't know how to explain what exactly made her different from others. She was well...just different.

It's been about a week since the day, when we made those promises. I couldn't meet her because I was terribly busy with our new case to investigate. Some psychopath has been mercilessly killing too many people in the areas, that were under Mafia's control so of course Mori wanted to stop that from happening. As always, such a horrible case was given to me to solve.

Being busy didn't stop me from talking to (Y/N) a lot though. I called her, when I woke up, when I was on my way to the headquarters, when I was trying to find any possible clues on the dead bodies of the victims, when I was on my way to the bar, where I often met with Odasaku after work and when I was getting ready to sleep (if I could call lying on the bed and blankly staring at the ceiling for hours, trying to suppress the crippling anxiety inside of me sleeping). ,

"You seem to like her a lot." Odasaku once told me during one of the times, when we were drinking in the bar

I told him about my encounter with (Y/N) and all the things that happened after it. Odasaku was my closest friend so I knew, that I could share any type of information with him.

"Well, she's a fun person to be around." I replied "And also...I think, that we understand each other well."

"Even though, you don't know her for a long time?" He asked, taking a sip of his drink

"Odasaku, have you ever had this feeling of an unexplainable deep connection with someone?" I asked him in return "When you can't even explain this, but you just feel how you two just match each other, how you can understand each other's pain. I'm feeling this now. She's not just an ordinary girl from a normal, picture-perfect family, if you're thinking about it. She's as shattered as I am. I can see this in her eyes. She isn't just broken...she's exactly shattered by life, beaten and thrown out in the shadows like something useless. And in these shadows, we met each other: two useless "somethings".

Odasaku stayed silent for a while. I knew, that he was thinking about the best possible reply in this situation, but he also wanted it to be a real reply and not just a cheesy phrase.

"This is just so unlike you." He confessed "Just be careful, alright? I'm happy for you, but I m just a little worried."

"Trust me, I know what I'm talking about." I assured him "I'm not an innocent, naive kid anymore...nor that I've ever been one though. I know, which people I should stay away from and whom I can trust. She truly doesn't want to cause me any harm. Don't worry, Odasaku."