3:12 am | Dazai Osamu

07. my catastrophe, I adore you

"Can you remind me...where are we going again?" (Y/N) asked me as we were walking down the street

"Well, you're still shocked and scared because of what happened so now, you need something, that would take your mind away from that incident." I explained "Usually, when something traumatizing happened with me before, I took special medicine. Now, I just choose to drown my pain in alcohol and, perhaps, just a little bit of beer or sake is something, that you might need."

"So are we going to the bar...?" She asked again, wrapping her coat more around her shoulders

Giving her my coat seemed to be a tradition by now already because even though, she didn't tell me this, but I could clearly see that (Y/N) likesdthe smell of my cologne for some reason. When she thought I wasn't looking at her, she inhaled the scent of my coat. However, I didn't mind it at all. If this helped her calm down and feel better, then I truly didn't mind.

I wasn't sure if I was helping her because I remembered how hard it was to get used to a life in the shadows for me or if I just simply had something human-like inside of me. So far, I was just trying to make myself believe, that I was only helping her because I found her pretty, even though I knew, that it was a lie. Despite knowing everything, I was still too scared to accept the fast heartbeat I had whenever (Y/N) was around or the nervousness I felt with her.

"We're going to my apartment." I finally answered "I was indeed going to take you to the bar, but I think that you need a quiet place right now."

"You trust me enough to take me to your home...?" She asked, being visibly surprised

"Why wouldn't I trust you?" I looked at her, raising an eyebrow "You're not a mafioso, not a member of some gang. Plus, I change apartments rather often so it doesn't really matter if you knew where I live now."

While talking, we finally reached the building, where my apartment was. After entering it and going up the stairs till the second floor, I lead (Y/N) to the door to my place.

"It's not the coziest place, I must say..." I warned her, opening the door in front of her and letting her in first "I barely spend time at home, after all."

(Y/N) didn't answer anything and entered. I supposed, that she just wanted to see everything herself first before answering.

As usual, my home greeted me with darkness, loneliness and cold air since I forgot to close the window. I quickly stepped inside after (Y/N) and turned on the lights to be able to see everything clearer. I rarely turned on the lights when I came home alone as I usually just headed to my bedroom and fell down on the bed to sleep so probably my neighbors will be surprised to see the light in my windows.

My apartment wasn't messy or dusty as you may have thought. It was just...simple. Not big, yet not small. Not bad, yet not cozy like a real home. Not empty, yet not filled enough. I only used this place to spend the night at. I never even ate at home. Well, I only used to drink a couple of bottles and tried committing suicide here, before sleeping, but nothing more.

My home was never my real home, nor that I ever had one.

"Why did you say that it's bad?" (Y/N) asked, when we entered the living room "It's quiet and peaceful. However, it really feels like no one lives here...I mean, there is some belongings of yours like books, but you definitely never bought flowers in your room or some posters or something like that to fill this place with your presence, so to say."

"I don't want to get used to anything." I said, heading to the kitchen to bring two bottles of beer

When I returned, (Y/N) was already sitting on the couch, waiting for me quietly. I sat next to her, handing her one bottle and taking a sip from mine.