Only a Memory | Bucky Barnes

Chapter 8: A Realization

It was one thing to accept his crush on Steve. It was another to accept his sexuality.

Yes, Bucky wasn't an idiot. He probably knew all along that he had feelings for Steve, but he kept them repressed and in a place far away that no one could touch. Of course, it was never easy to hide away from one's feelings, and eventually Bucky's caught up to him.

So, he was sat at his bed after another long day of having to watch Peggy and Steve talk and laugh together. Peggy didn't ignore Bucky entirely, which Bucky greatly appreciated. The couple also weren't together the whole day at school, but the time they were at lunch was enough to make Bucky want to hurl.

He wasn't even sure when his feelings for Steve began. When he saw him for the first time, perhaps. Not love at first sight or anything. Besides, Bucky didn't believe in love at first sight in the slightest. Love was so much more than just looks and first impressions. However, Bucky would be lying to himself if he said he wasn't attracted to Steve as soon as he saw him.

Steve, with his chiseled jaw and sharp cheekbones. His intense blue-green eyes captured Bucky right away. Mostly they were blue, but sometimes in certain lighting, and depending on what Steve wore, they looked more green. He also loved Steve's smile that could light up the whole room. Bucky wondered what it was like to make Steve smile that that. If he could, he'd never take that smile for granted.

Steve could go from being cheerful to serious in about .2 seconds. It wasn't the seriousness that suggested sadness or anger, but it was a seriousness that Bucky didn't quite understand and planned to find out. He was nice to everyone, which was exactly why Bucky wasn't sure why he even liked Steve. Steve wasn't very nice to him at all. It wasn't like he was blatantly rude, but Bucky thought that Steve ignoring him like he was currently doing was almost worst.

Still, it was no wonder Peggy liked Steve. And, undoubtedly, so did Bucky.

Bucky liked Steve, but the idea of liking all boys was a strange one. He had only every been attracted to girls before and never thought of guys in that same way before. He thought maybe he was only attracted to girls. Girls and Steve. As he thought about it he knew it weren't true. Sure, he found guys pretty attractive. It just hadn't ever been anything he had been allowed to consider. Now, his heart wasn't giving him a choice. There was something more to Steve than just his looks, and maybe that was what attracted Bucky at first, but Steve's personality was what he had fallen for.

Would Bucky have to come out to his parents, now that he knew the truth about himself? He didn't like the idea of it at all. Maybe if he never got a boyfriend, his parents would never have to know. It wasn't like he'd ever date Steve. Steve liked Peggy, and not boys.

Somehow, he suspected Winifred already knew. Bucky sometimes thought that his mother was a psychic. She seemed to know everything about him. He wouldn't be surprised if she knew this, too. But his father. . . Bucky had no idea was George would say about his being bisexual.

There. He said it. He was bisexual.

Bucky let out a heavy breath. Why couldn't he have just been normal?

As much as he wanted to keep this new information hidden forever, he also knew he was going to burst if he didn't tell anyone at all. It was much too big of a secret to carry on his own; such a heavy burden that would bring him down.

But he didn't want to tell anyone, not really. He knew it would be like a small weight off his chest if he did. He thought of all the potential people he could tell.

His parents. Definitely not.

Peggy. No. She'd surely figure out his crush on Steve if she knew that Bucky liked boys, too.