Only a Memory | Bucky Barnes

Chapter 11: The Changes of November

November came and went faster than Bucky could have ever accepted. It was characterized by a few major things, all of which he could hardly make sense of.

The first was his friendship with Steve. Bucky imagined their friendship was like a feather pillow torn apart. Feathers drifted away, carried far far away by the wind. One could try to find all the feathers, but some would forever be lost and the pillow could never be restored to what it once was. He thought this might have been from a book he read when he was a child, but he couldn't exactly remember.

It started when Winifred invited Sarah and Steve over for dinner despite Bucky openly expressing that he didn't want Steve to come to their house. It was an awkward two hours of forced conversation, at least on Bucky's part. Winifred and Sarah acted as though they had never left, hitting it off just like they used to. Albeit, Bucky had the feeling that the two had been frequently talking on the phone, and had probably seen each other face to face on multiple occasions.

Steve was friendly enough with trying to make small talk with Bucky, but it could only be because Sarah was right there and keeping a watchful eye. It was like the two women must have planned this, but why did they feel a friendship would benefit the boys so much? Regardless of what they felt, it was at first apparent that no steps toward friendship would carry at school as it did at home.

This, however was wrong.

With Steve already at their lunch table with Peggy this was actually fairly easy – he didn't even have to get up to talk to Bucky.

"We should be partners again in drama," Steve had said.

Bucky had to look around to make sure it was indeed him being spoken to. But it had to be him, because not only was Steve looking directly at him with those piercing blue eyes, but he was the only one at this table who was in Steve's drama class.

"Uh, yeah?" Bucky had said with a hint of uncertainness. He had almost wanted to ask why – they had only spoken to each other when forced to throughout the whole assignment – but he kept quiet.

Steve seemed to be struggling to find something else to say, and eventually he had settled for complimenting the cafeteria's garlic bread. It had gone on like this, Steve forcing himself to say something else to Bucky and Bucky giving him short replies.

After that awkward lunch Bucky thought that Steve would give up, but he didn't. It went on like that for the next few days, until Bucky finally got to the point where he could start the conversation. It became much easier talking to Steve and less forced and awkward. By December he could truthfully say they were friends. Winifred was ecstatic to hear this and insisted that they continue to invite the Rogers' over for dinner more often. If Winifred and Sarah did have some secret plan to get Steve and Bucky to be friends again, Bucky didn't want to admit it, but it appeared to have worked.

The second thing that happened was the change in his feelings for Steve. At first Bucky had thought that by talking to Steve more his feeling would grow stronger, but it proved to be the exact opposite.

Over the course of a few weeks he was able to get his feelings in check and under control. It wasn't that they had gone away, because they were definitely still there. It was more that Bucky could take a step back, accept that they were there, and live without them consuming him.

For a while he had liked to admit that his feelings were going away, but he was only lying to himself. There was this guilt before with liking Steve that was no longer there, which was part of how he could accept his feeling and live with them. While Steve hadn't treated Bucky horribly, ignoring him hadn't felt the greatest either. Bucky had been constantly questioning where his feelings came from, other then stemming from years of friendship. Now that they were finally talking to each other he no longer had to do that.