Only a Memory | Bucky Barnes

Chapter 23: i dont know what to call this

Bucky told Steve that he loved him. Well, in Russian. He hadn't quite had the courage to actually say it to Steve, and knew that Steve wouldn't understand him anyway.

It was true, though. Bucky did love Steve. He was afraid that everything was going too fast, and while he didn't mind it, he was worried for Steve's sake. And as of now, things were going good. He was just feeling so conflicted about the whole situation.

Bucky had a life here in New York, but his sister, his parents, were also a part of his life that he couldn't easily let go of. He knew, in the end, he'd end up going with them. He only wished that he had never been given a choice at all. He was scared to make the wrong one, and though he could easily change his mind, if he really wanted to, he had the feeling that no choice would ever really feel like the right one.

If he was forced to move back to Russia, at least that way he wouldn't have to think too much about what he had left between, willingly.

He hadn't told Steve immediately, though everyone knew something was up.

"Are you okay?" Peggy asked one afternoon as everyone was gathering their stuff to escape the hellhole.

"Are you?" Bucky countered. A very lame comeback, Bucky knew. "Have you still not worked things out with Celia?"

Peggy immediately turned red and refused to answer. Bucky ended up feeling a little guilty, understanding exactly what it was like to be pestered about a relationship. Though honestly, he was curious about whether or not the two girls would ever work out their differences. He had hoped, at the very least, that they could at least become friends again.

Bucky almost wanted to laugh. Peggy and Celia's whole situation sounded hauntingly familiar.

"Sorry," Bucky said. "I shouldn't have brought that up."

And Peggy was quick to bring the conversation back around to him.

"I see the way your avoiding him," she said. "Everyone does. Are you guys okay?"

"Yes."

And technically, it wasn't a lie. They were okay. Steve really had no idea what was going on, and as much as Bucky knew it was only fair that Steve was told, he couldn't help but delay the inevitable. He was afraid of the aftermath, and of them really not being okay.

Bucky and Peggy said goodbye, and then Bucky headed to his car, but not without pointedly avoiding looking in Steve's direction first.

Bucky couldn't see Steve, or even distinguish the sound of his footsteps over a hundred others and all of the laughter, but somehow he just knew that Steve was right behind him.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and didn't even have to look.

"Hey Steve," Bucky said, in as much of a cheerful tone as he could muster without it sounding overly fake.

"What are you doing tonight?" Steve asked, falling into step beside Bucky.

Bucky was forced to step to the side of the entrance with Steve to avoid blocking traffic. As it usually was, everyone was in such a hurry to get out of the place, and Bucky didn't blame them.

"I'm not sure," Bucky said. "Homework, probably."

"We just haven't seen each other in a while," Steve said.

"We see each other everyday."

"Bucky, what's going on?"

"What makes you think that something is going on?"