Only a Memory | Bucky Barnes

Chapter 19: Let's Try

Bucky's heart was pounding the whole way to Steve's house. He could hardly breathe as he sped through town while Peggy's words replayed in his head over and over.

It was all completely ridiculous yet is all made sense. Bucky could understand where Steve came from – being afraid to accept his own sexuality. While Bucky thought it was easier for himself to do it, there had definitely been moments when he wished his feelings for Steve didn't exist and he really was as straight as a ruler.

There was still a part of the story that was a little foggy, though. Bucky was always quite certain that Peggy suspected his feelings for Steve, yet she continued on with the fake dating. It wasn't like she had to go confessing all of Steve's secrets, but it would've saved Bucky a lot of heartache if he didn't have to see the two together.

All he had to say was that he hoped to god things worked out between her and Celia as well as with him and Steve. They all went through so much trouble and he just wanted for it to be worth it.

Bucky pulled into Steve's driveway and he wasn't nervous at all, as if he was on some high. He didn't know how to describe the feeling other than just fuzzy. His heart was filled with hopes that his brain tried to suppress, but in the end his heart won.

He was knocking on Steve's door again, and it was not unlike the last time when he had no idea what he was going to say. The circumstances where much different this time, with Bucky knowing the answers. He wished that Steve didn't chose to ignore him for a month, but he understood why.

Sometimes love was scary, and all it took was that first step to push through and things would be okay. Steve tried to take the first step, and it all blew over, but Bucky was here to fix that.

If Steve could answer his damn door.

Sarah's car was gone, but Bucky had hoped that maybe wherever she went Steve had not tagged along. It seemed that wasn't the case.

It was just his luck that things finally had the chance to work out and Steve wasn't even home. Bucky couldn't just text Steve. No. This had to be something that happened face to face.

Just as he was about to give up and head back home, Sarah's car pulled into the driveway. Bucky let his shoulders sag in relief, though now that Steve was getting out of the passengers side and was right there Bucky felt his insides turn to mush.

He couldn't do this.

How could he just stand in front of Steve and confess how he felt? Steve was just so good. He was way too good for Bucky, with his metal arm and a head full of self-hatred.

Yet when Steve looked back at him his eyes lit up like it was Christmas. Like Bucky was the greatest gift that he could ever receive. When Bucky swallowed his throat felt like sandpaper and his stomach lurched.

Why was this so hard?

Sarah went inside, saying that she was going to prepare dinner. Steve nodded his head and turned back to Bucky. His expression suggested that he wanted something from Bucky, yet Bucky didn't know what he could possibly give him.

Steve opened his mouth but then hesitated. While he had previous looked as hopeful as Bucky felt, he too just looked nervous now.

"Hi," Bucky said. He didn't no what else to say, and he could no longer stand the silence.

"Peggy told you, didn't she?" Bucky nodded. "What did she say?"

"Everything, I think," Bucky said.

It was far too cold to stay outside, yet neither moved. They stood there for another few moments in silence, staring at their feet. Bucky worried that maybe this wouldn't solve anything at all, because they didn't appear to be getting anywhere.