Only a Memory | Bucky Barnes

Chapter 16: When Bucky Is Unsure of Everything

It had gotten to a point where Bucky just couldn't let it go on any longer. The way that Steve was suddenly treating him was ridiculous. Bucky didn't see how he deserved any of it, and he was going to put a stop to it.

He really just wanted answers. If Steve said that he didn't want to hang out with him, then so be it. He just didn't want Steve ignoring him anymore without an explanation. Although Bucky had a feeling that Steve wasn't going to be straight with him.

It was a Saturday morning, and Bucky was just about ready to go stomping over to Steve's house and confront him. He had just rolled out of bed – literally – and was debating what he should wear. He felt that he should dress to impress, though nothing in his wardrobe was really calling to him.

In the end, out of frustration, he ended up just choosing a hoodie and sweats. Really, why did he need to impress Steve? He was sure Steve didn't care either way what he wore.

Looking in the mirror, Bucky realized that the look wasn't half bad. On other guys, he always found sweatpants attractive for some reason. Not that Steve thought the same, who was as straight as a ruler.

The only issue he had – okay, the only two issues were his metal hand that stuck out of his hoodie sleeve and his long hair. The hand thing could be easily solved if he just pulled his sleeve down, and he supposed there was also an easy fix for his hair too. Just cut it. However, that wasn't going to happen. Besides getting a trim around Christmas time, Bucky hadn't cut his hair yet, even though in the beginning of the year he said he would. He was actually beginning to like his hair that he maintained at shoulder length.

After brushing his hair, it didn't look so bad, so he just left it as it was. Steve had once said that Bucky looked good with his hair up, but then had quickly said it looked just as fine down. Bucky didn't really understand it, but regardless, focusing on Steve's compliments would get him nowhere.

Downstairs, he could hear his parents shouting about something. Well, it sounded like it was mostly Winifred, but either way, Bucky wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying. In his mind he was rehearsing what he might say to Steve.

There were a few different approaches, but Bucky just wasn't sure which one he should take. He was done beating around the bush, so maybe it was about time he got straight to the point. Yes. That was what he'd do. He didn't want to waste any more time not talking to Steve when there might be a simple explanation for everything. After today, things might go back to the way they were. That was always the hope.

Another part of Bucky knew that he had to accept the fact that this could go badly. If Steve really did admit that he didn't want to be Bucky's friend anymore, than he was going to be forced to just forget about him. It would be hard, but eventually he and Steve would be separated after high school, and hopefully at that point it would get easier.

But Bucky wasn't so sure.

He had been terrified to leave Steve when he moved to Russia; then he made friends and in actuality it wasn't so bad. Bucky knew it would be different this time, when his feelings for Steve had changed. He had always cared for Steve, but back then it just wasn't in the same way. He was only twelve years old, and at that time friends came and went and it wasn't such a big deal. Of course he always did miss Steve, but he could bear it.

Steve now felt like another extension of him – like his metal arm. To cut him off would be extremely painful, and Bucky would forever be aware of the absence of him in his life.

As that realization set in, Bucky knew he had to do whatever it took to have Steve a part of his life again. And if Steve really did hate him, Bucky wanted to know why. If Steve had figured out Bucky's feeling, if Peggy has told him–