Come back

Chapter 9

Hiroki's P.O.V

I had been at my parents' for a week now and I still hadn't told them anything about my reason for being there. I was too scared to say out loud how things were. To say that I wanted to kill myself. That I had resumed self harming and not eating enough. That I couldn't deal with my friend's death and that I needed someone else's help. I sighed and brushed my hand through my hair, which was actually quite long right now. I'd have to tell my parents sooner or later, probably sooner, but I didn't want to at all. But then, if I didn't tell them, I'd never get the help I needed. As I for example didn't remember the name of the therapist. He was a really nice man and he had helped me a lot in the past, when I also had suicidal thoughts and when I also self harmed and starved myself. Because of how he had been able to help me, I hoped that he'd be able to help me now again. Even if I didn't go back to how I was before her death. I just wanted to not dread waking up and going to sleep, to not think of how a knife would feel against my skin whenever I held one. I wanted to be healthy and able to live without big problems and without worrying anyone. I wanted to be able to go back to Shania.

Thinking about her made me feel so terribly sad and I had avoided it as much as possible during the past week, busying myself with helping my mother around the house. My father had left with Yoongi immediately after the later had yelled at me, as they had some tour around Korea for a week. Checking my watch, I realised that he should be back sometime soon. I decided that I'd talk to him when he got home. I needed to tell him about his fan anyway, as I hadn't been able to when I got home, as Yoongi had dragged me away. I flinched at the thought of him and of how he had yelled at me for leaving my parents and for being so disrespectful to them. But I knew that I had no right to complain: every single thing that he'd said was true and I deserved all the insults. After him yelling at me, I had apologized to my parents, in front of my father's friends. They had accepted my apology and my mother had shown me through gestures that she was slowly forgiving me, seeing as I had for example gotten my whole room back, with all the stuff I'd left behind. This made me feel relieved because I knew that if she could forgive me, then my father would also be able to forgive me, him being less strict about these things.

I sighed again and started thinking about what exactly I should say. Should I tell everything that had happened and how I felt exactly and what all my thoughts were? Or should I keep things partly secret? I didn't even know how to start the conversation.

"Hi dad, I've got some news, I want to die"?

"Okay sit down and listen to me. My friend killed herself and now I want to do it too, so I left my girlfriend alone"?

"I wanna go back and see that therapist, I'll explain everything later"?

I was thinking about what to say when I heard a knock on the room's door. Startled, I watched it open to reveal my mother, who was pale as death. It made me think of those movies where the main character hears a knock on the door only to see a ghost or a supposed-to-be-dead person standing there. Except that here, it wasn't a movie and it was my mother standing at the door.

"You want to die? Who killed themselves? What's going on, Hiroki?"

I paled when I realized that she had hear my thoughts. Had I spoken out loud? Apparently I had, or else she wouldn't know these things. I sighed again and buried my head in my hands. This wasn't at all how I had planned on them hearing about what had happened, about what was happening. I wanted to first tell my father, I always found it easier to talk to him than to any other member of my family, explain everything to him and then talk about it with my mother.

"Is it okay if I first talk about it with dad? I promise that nothing bad is gonna happen, but I find it easier to talk to him about things first. I'm sorry...." I trailed off, not really knowing how to avoid a scene with my mother.

Luckily for me she seemed to understand, her eyes softening in sympathy. She nodded and, after giving me a quick hug, she left the room. I then heard her take out her phone and call someone. When I heard her saying that the person should hurry up and get home immediately, I understood that she was calling my father, probably because she was worried and wanted to know that I was safe.

I sighed for the one millionth time of the past hour and sat down on my bed to wait for my father.

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Hi there!😊

What did you think of this chapter? I hope that you enjoyed it!

Btw, did you know that planes are a good source of inspiration? Cause I didn't until now😅😂

Anyway, small warning for the next chapter, it's gonna be emotionally intense, and possibly triggering for some. So yeah, be warned. But I hope that you'll still like it😅

Have a good day/night/evening!💖