Come back

Chapter 23

Shania's P.O.V.

I silently took the little lion that Hiroki handed me and looked at him, not understanding what was going on. What had happened to him while he was outside? He hadn't yelled like that in ages, and it worried me that something bad had happened. The relief of him saying that he loved me trumped everything else though, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else than that.

I hadn't realised that I had craved those little words so much until he said them. It had been so long since I'd heard them, and my parents' "I love you"s didn't bring the same type of comfort. Comfort that I had been craving.

At the beginning, I couldn't even say them back, and I hated myself for that. I should have told him that I loved him immediately after him or, even better, I should never have stopped. But it was too late to go back in time now, and I'd just have to change my behaviour now and act according to how I felt, instead of bottling it all up, good and bad.

However, this wasn't the moment to think about that kind of stuff. Hiroki wanted to talk to me, and I was supposed to listen to him, and not to get lost in my thoughts. And that was what I was going to do.

So I looked up from the little lion, who's name was Pucky if I remembered correctly, and looked at Hiroki. He was looking at me with sad eyes, and I worried about what he was going to tell me. Was he going to break up with me? He had just told me that he loved, so it wouldn't be logical to do that. Was he going to leave again? No. He couldn't do that. I needed him.

He must have seen that I was worrying because he put his hands on top of mine and smiled softly.

"Hey, stop worrying, okay? Everything is gonna be fine, and I'm not leaving if that's what you're worrying about," he seemed to hesitate after that, as if trying to see whether he should talk or not, but I remained silent, not wanting to pressure him.

After some time like that, Hiroki cleared his throat and started talking.

"I'm sorry I left like that, without any explanations. I was just afraid, and I didn't want to worry you. I know that it's no excuse, but it's the only one I have," he looked up at me, fear in his eyes, before looking back down. "But I was afraid... I was afraid I'd lose the little control I had, and that I'd do something stupid. If I'm honest... that time when you saw me... it wasn't the only time..."

At this, he broke down into sobs and I pulled him up onto my lap, hugging him tight. I couldn't stand to see my poor baby so sad, and I just wanted to hug all the sadness away. I also wanted to relieve some of my guilt at hearing him by hugging him. I knew that he had had a hard time after what happened to Leonora, but I hadn't realised it was that bad. If I had, I could have helped him more, and maybe he wouldn't have left. But would it really have changed anything? Would I have been able to help him? Or would I have made things worse?

After a while of hugging, with me not knowing what to say, Hiroki sat up and looked down at his lap.

"That's why I left... I went back to my old therapist in Tokyo. I didn't want to leave you, but she was the only I could trust. And I also missed my parents and wanted to mend things with them..." he took a big breath and looked up at me. The sadness and hurt in his eyes broke my heart.

"Did you manage to mend things?" I knew how much he suffered from being rejected like this by his parents, and how much he blames himself for everything. He loved them so much, and he felt guilty for hurting them and angering them so much. He felt guilty for everything really easily and I just wished he'd understand that it wasn't all his fault. Yes, he could have done things differently and avoided going behind his parents' backs, but his family was pressuring him too much and not helping him enough.

"Yeah... mom still won't speak with my uncle but at least it looks like both her and dad forgave me..."

Why did he sound so unhappy then, if he had mended things with his parents?

"I'm sorry Shania..." he looked back down before continuing, "I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry I lied to you about only trying once, and I'm sorry for not giving you any explanations, and I'm sorry for having been such a bad boyfriend, and I'm so-"

At this I cut him off, getting upset with all these apologies. "You don't need to apologise for anything Hiroki! You did nothing wrong, and I don't blame you for anything, okay? I understand why you left, and no, you weren't a bad boyfriend, and you aren't. I can also understand why you lied, even if I would have preferred that you didn't. But I don't blame you for anything, okay? I love you Hiroki, and nothing will change that, okay?"

I looked deep into his eyes, trying to convey how much I loved him, and how little I blamed him. Even if it hurt, even if I'm scared that he'll leave again, I still love him, and I do understand why did it. And, deep down, I'm glad that he left to get things sorted out with his family and to see his former therapist. He needed to mend his relationship with his parents, as it was hurting him too much. It broke my heart to see this, but he was always too scared to go talk to them, to make the first step.

It was sad that what pushed him to go there was such a sad event, but in that sense I was glad he was pushed. He needed this, I could see it in his eyes.

I leaned back so that I could look into his eyes, and smiled reassuringly, trying not to burst into tears.

"I'm glad you went to Tokyo."