Come back

Chapter 10

Hiroki's P.O.V

"What's this that your mother said about you wanting to talk to me?"

I jumped at the sound of my father's voice; I hadn't heard or seen him come in.

"Oh uhm yeah I wanted to talk to you about something...." I stopped, hesitant, not knowing what to say.

Probably sensing my hesitation, he closed the door behind him and sat down at my desk, turning the chair so he was facing me. He then looked at me, waiting for me to be ready to talk.

In the end, I decided to start with the easiest topic. "I met one of your fans at the airport, and she says hello, and that you're her bias and that you're awesome. Her name's Charlotte and yeah."

He smiled and nodded. "Thanks for telling me. I'll make sure to let her somehow know that the message has gone through. Anyway, how come you decided to come back after so long? Any particular reason?"

This was my cue to start the story. The painful, horrible and depressing story. The story that explained why I was here and how I had arrived to this point. I sighed and steeled myself.

"Okay so uhm that's actually quite a long story. I guess the best will be to start from the start?" I paused, hesitant, and my father smiled encouragingly, showing that he'd listen to me as long as needed. "So when I went away.... I met this girl called Leonora, and she became a really close friend. And then I met her best friend, Shania, and we started dating, but you already know that. Leonora and I, we did practically everything together, and she helped me get better, she helped me work on my self esteem and on my mental health in general. We became best friends and, half the time, we were at the other's place, despite having both our own girlfriend and studies to take care of. But a couple of months ago, Leonora had to leave with her sister, who had abused her before, and a marriage was arranged with some rich French man. And already her disappearance, because at first we didn't know what had happened, affected me a lot, as she was like a sister to me. And then some time later, we learnt that.... that Leonora was...." I stopped, tears spilling out of my eyes and falling to my lap. I had stopped looking at my father, not wanting to see his reaction to what I told him. "Leonora.... she was.... dead...."

I had said it. I had for the first time ever said that she was dead. It made it seem so much more definitive and I didn't want to accept this. I broke down into sobs, in front of my father, not able to pretend that I was strong anymore. I didn't want to say anything more, but I knew that I had to continue speaking, that I had to finish explaining everything. Thankfully, he let me cry it out, just moving closer to put his hand on my own hands, and I eventually managed to calm down enough.

"Her death.... she killed herself.... she probably thought that it was best for everyone, but I don't know, I can't accept it. I can't accept the fact that she died, it can't be true, dad! I always expect to see her come out of somewhere and show her smile and laugh at some lame joke that Shania has made. But it won't happen ever again...." I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions that way.

"What happened after?" His voice was gentle and understanding. He wasn't pressing me to answer, he was just trying to help me, trying to guide me.

"After.... it was her funeral. It was so horrible. Her family wasn't there, she didn't really have much of a family left, and it was basically me, Shania and Emilie, Leonora's girlfriend. We were all under shock and seeing her coffin being lowered into the grave, we couldn't believe it and it all seemed so unreal. I guess that we hadn't really processed what had happened, that it all seemed like someone else's story. But it was ours.... After the funeral, I came back to the cemetery every single day and spent several hours with Leonora. I wanted to be close to her and feel her presence. Shania and I grew distant, we weren't able anymore to say "I love you" to each other. We were too broken hearted."

I closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath: here came the hard part, the part I didn't want to say to my parents.

"After her death, I relapsed. And.... and I started thinking about suicide. I.... I also stopped taking my meds, because I just didn't care about myself and my health anymore. And I don't know what to do anymore. I thought that maybe.... if I went to see that therapist again.... maybe...." I trailed off, unable to finish my sentence.

My father was silent for a while, before starting to ask the questions I dreaded.

"When you say that you relapsed, what do you mean exactly? Did you try to end your life ever since the urges started again?"

"I.... I started to self harm again. And I practically stopped eating. And I.... I tried once.... but Shania stopped me before I could actually do anything. And I decided to come here to avoid anything else happening." I was crying again, guilt welling up in me.

"When did you stop taking taking your meds?"

"A month ago." God, how pathetic could I be?

Instead of saying anything, he pulled me into his arms and held me tight. After a while of crying in his arms, I broke down.

"I'm so sorry dad, I never meant to disappoint you. I'm so sorry that I relapsed and that I'm not healthy anymore and that I'm such a mess and I'm just so sorry and please forgive me, please I really am sorry and I-" I stopped speaking, my tears making it impossible to talk anymore.

"Shhh it's okay Hiroki, I'm not mad at all and I forgive you for everything, even if there's no need to. What we're gonna do now is get you an appointment at the therapist's and we're gonna take care of your health, mental and physical, okay? You're safe here, neither your mom nor I are gonna do anything that could hurt you, and we'll help you as much as we can, okay? You're gonna get out of this, just like you did before. And we're gonna be here all the way."

He stroked my hair, helping me calm down.

"All the way. Always."