Come back

Chapter 8

Shania's P.O.V

Once I got back from the cemetery, I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table with it. I knew that I shouldn't be drinking any coffee right now, as it was evening and I should go sleep in a couple of hours. But I didn't care, I needed the hot and bitter beverage right now to keep me from breaking down and from becoming a mess. Or to be more precise an even bigger mess, because I was already one. The visit to the cemetery hadn't helped at all, and my previous hunch that I shouldn't go there had been confirmed. It had only reminded me even more of everything that I had lost and of how much of a failure I was. I didn't want to admit it, but it was true: I had failed my best friend and my boyfriend and now I had to pay the price for it. I had lost both of them, although one loss was more definitive than the other, and it was all my fault.

I gulped down the coffee and went to make myself another cup. However, just before putting the capsule into the machine, a Christmas present from my parents, I stopped myself. Coffee wasn't going to solve my problems and it would probably only make them worse. I decided instead to text my mom and see if I could go over to their house tomorrow. I didn't want to be alone and I didn't know where else I could possibly go. How ironic was it that we spent so many years and effort in trying to get away from our parents and yet they were the first people we turned to and needed when we felt bad? I found it extremely ironic.

Once I had texted her, briefly explaining the situation to avoid her imagining any weird and terrible catastrophes, I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, trying to distract myself. However, I couldn't concentrate on the soap opera showing, and my mind wandered to my meeting with the old man in the cemetery.

Who was he? Had I met him somewhere before? He looked extremely familiar but I couldn't place him anywhere. He'd said that he'd had a son who had committed suicide, which was why he had told Hiroki to leave. I guess I couldn't blame him for trying to help, and I started regretting being so mean to him. I sighed, realizing that I should probably go back and apologize for what I had said. But would he be there? He'd said that he'd only ever seen Hiroki there, and he had clearly spoken to him at least once, so maybe he worked there? But why then was he dressed in yellow? What normal person would wear such a bright colour if they were working in a cemetery? It seemed really weird; I had this idea that people in cemeteries always wore black or dark blue. Definitely not yellow.

Yellow.... why did the colour of the man's clothes seem so significant? Why did yellow remind me of something? I tried to remember but nothing came to mind. I cursed at my horrible memory and wished for Hiroki or Emilie to be there now. They were the ones with the good memory, Leonora having as bad a memory as I. I shook my head at those thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking about them, it would only make matters worse. But thinking that didn't help and instead I started thinking about the funeral, thus starting a spiral of thoughts from which I couldn't escape on my own.

I jumped at my phone's ringtone. Checking it, I realised that my mom had texted me, telling me to come over immediately. I smiled lovingly at her mother-like worry that was apparent even through text. It had annoyed me so many times in the past, but now it made me feel loved and cared for and not so alone, feelings that I really needed right now. I answered saying that I'd be over soon and then stood up to get my things ready.

After putting some clothes and necessities in my bag, I went to Hiroki's room and looked around. Once I had reached his favorite stuffed animal, my eyes stared intently at it and, before I could process and stop what I was doing, I had also put it in the bag. I then put on my shoes and jacket and started walking to my parents' house, to my old home. That would probably become my home again for some time, if I knew my mother. She'd probably crush me in one of her bear hugs and lock me up in the house and not leave my side for a single moment and try to solve my life for me. At least, that was how she had always done things whenever I wasn't feeling well or had a problem. And judging by her message, she hadn't changed one bit.

When I got there, my mother was already at the door, she must have seen me coming from the living room window, and before I could even greet her, she had crushed me in a bear hug. I hugged her back as if my life depended on it.

And I cried.

🥢🥢

Hi there lovelies!

I hope that you're all okay and enjoying life😊

Anyway, what did you think of this chapter? I haven't written such a long chapter in a while I think, at least not that I remember. Do you prefer longer or shorter chapters?

Tbh I don't have much to say right now, I'm already kinda struggling to find the motivation in me to write. Like I know what I want to write, so it isn't an author's block, but I can't actually tell myself to get to it and write the chapter or paragraph or whatever that I want. I want to write but I can't convince myself to do it. Does that make sense?

Also, someone told me this, that sometimes it isn't clear what I think and what the characters think. In case more of you think that, I'd like to explain. I use my experiences and my feelings to write these books and so a lot of what the characters feel is actually what I feel. The doubts that they have are also my doubts, the same with their thoughts. Except some but yeah. And because I'm going through a really hard time right now and my emotions are raw and at the surface, they appear in my writing even more.

And tbh that's also why it's hard to write, because I don't want to put all my emotions out there. But at the same time I want to give you guys something. So idk what to do anymore and yeah.

But thank you so so much for the people that have been supporting me. When I read every single comment, it reminds me of why I'm writing this. It reminds of why I shouldn't just give up and stop writing once again. And your comments are, and I'm being completely honest with this, the nicest things people are telling me right now, and the things that help me get through the day. So, although I've told you this so many times, thank you. Thank you so so much.

Anyway, sorry for this tiny rant but some of those things needed to be said.

Have a good day/night/evening!💖