Come back

Chapter 21

Hiroki's P.O.V.

I slowly walked to her grave and thought about what Christopher had asked me. Could I do that? Should I even do that? If he asked, I should probably talk to Emilie, but I had a bad feeling about this. I didn't want to be the one responsible for making the matters worse. But if I didn't try I would be responsible for not trying to make matters better. I was already responsible for not having done more to stop everything from going so bad. I wanted to avoid even more problems if I could. But could I?

I groaned and buried my head into my hands, falling on my knees in front of Leonora's grave. Why was it always me who was responsible for everything? I hadn't asked for anything except to live quietly with the people I loved. But it turned out that not all the people I loved were alive right now and I was responsible for the happiness and peace of mind of the others. As well as for ruining relationships. My dream turned into the exact opposite it seems, and I hated it.

I raised my head and looked at the grave. How had everything come to this? How had everything gone so wrong? I wondered, if Leonora had never known us, would she be alive right now? Would it actually be good for her to be alive right now? Would she be married to that French man? Would she have small little French kids running around her? Would she have learnt to love her husband? Would she have been happy?

This led me to think about Emilie. How would she be, had she never known us? Would she still hate her parents for what happened to her brother? Or would she have healed and went on to forgive them? Would she have developped her "mommy" side, or would she have buried it in an unreachable place because it symbolized her brother and what she had lost? Would she have survived her brother's loss? Would she have travelled around the world? Would she have learnt Italian? Who would she be?

And Shania. How would she have grown to be? I knew that she had been greatly shaped by Leonora, the both were practically inseparable when I met them, and it was impossible to imagine one without the other. I smiled at the memory of being surprised when Shania turned up alone for our first date. I wouldn't have been surprised if Leonora had tagged along, and I had even almost asked for a table for three. That's how inseparable they were. But Shania had come alone and it had been an amazing evening. The restaurant owner even had to (nicely) kick us out because we were taking too long to leave and they couldn't close up if we didn't go.

Although it had only been several years ago, it almost seemed like it had been in another lifetime. So much had happened since then, most of it bad, and I realized that that good memory was overshadowed by a neverending sadness that came from the more recent events. I choked back my tears and continued staring at Leonora's grave.

Was this what my family would have felt, had I gone along and killed myself? At the time, I thought no one could possibly care if I died, no one would even notice I was gone. But I cared about Leonora's death, and I noticed every day that she was gone. And I could see that Emilie and Shania also did. As well as Leonora's couple of other friends, even if they didn't talk that much. Would it have been the same for me? Would it have been the same, had I jumped that day from the bridge? Hadn't the young girl stopped me?

I thought back to that girl and smiled sadly. She had lost her sister and yet, there she was, going every day, going out of her way to talk to that lost guy who was staring into the water underneath because she didn't want a total stranger to jump. Not many people would have thought anything of someone standing at a bridge and looking down. And even less people would have gone out of their way to talk to them. I wondered how the girl was doing. Was she happy now? Did she think of that stranger she had talked to?

I put my hand to my neck and clasped the necklace. I wondered what it had meant to the girl. I thought back to our meeting, the rushing of the water underneath us, the rushing of people behind us, her mask with the messily written "goodbye", the pain in her voice and in her eyes. I guessed that the mask was one last gift from her sister, and I wouldn't have been surprised had the necklace also meant something. Why did she give it to me? She had said it was for good luck and happiness, but she didn't know me. Why had she given something precious to a stranger?

I looked down at the necklace and smiled sadly, feeling the first tears starting to fall. I gently rubbed the center of the charm with my finger and enjoyed the smooth roughness of it. I then looked up at the grave again, blinking through my tears, imagining Leonora standing in front of me. I could see her, her hair up in a mossy ponytail, smiling at me, her eyes telling many stories she didn't have the time to tell.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry you had to die so young. I love you Leonora, you are, and always will be my best friend," I paused, choking back my tears and trying to find my voice, trying to keep my thoughts clear, "we all love you. And we miss you, but it's probably better for you that you're not suffering through that marriage. You-you deserved far better than that..." I stopped, not being able to talk anymore through the tears, but wanting, no, needing, to get everything out there. I needed to tell her eveything. Once my tears had calmed down a bit, I started talking again, my voice surprisingly stable.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I wasn't there to hold your hand and to take you away from there. I'm sorry we didn't take you away from there fast enough. I know that I wasn't a good friend to Emilie or a good boyfriend to Shania. But I promise I will try harder. I will be better. I will try to help Emilie and her dad. I will help Shania get out of her slump. I will be there for them, and I won't run away again," I took a deep breath, looking down at the charm on the necklace, before looking back up again.

"I will be happy for you."