Come back

Rant? Advice?

So, first of all, happy 2021! I hope that this year will treat you better than 2020, and that you'll have lots of chances at happiness. And that you'll get a bit closer to your dreams, of course.

So this has nothing to do with this book, but it has something to do with dreams, and I didn't really know where to talk about this, so I'm just gonna put it here.

I never really talk about it, but since I was little, I really liked to dance and sing. I used to sing quite a lot at home, but I stopped because my parents told me I sang worse than a sick dog. Those were more or less their words. And I had to stop dance classes after around 5 years because I started doing something else, and my mum did hate me going dancing because it gaver her extra work. So I guess she would've found a way to make me stop going to dance classes. But I did dance at home with YouTube tutorials, once I started having access to the computer. Anyway, it stopped there at me really enjoying it, because I knew that a career in it would be impossible, especially as my self-confidence was (and still is) extremely low. And, tbh, I didn't particularly enjoy modern western music, so I wasn't too keen on doing something with that.

And then I discovered kpop. And I know that many people dream of being a kpop idol, and that it's impossible for foreigners because you have to go to Korea, but it kinda woke up again my wish to do something with dancing and singing, and as I could see that with it you could combine both, well I was happy. Especially as I liked the music.

After some time, after I really got to know more about kpop and the different styles of music in it (such as trot), I decided that I really wanted to give it a try. So I decided to work hard to lose weight (in order not to be overweight anymore), and to find some way to get singing classes, as I had had absolutely no training and I still remembered what my parents had told me. I didn't get into any singing classes but I did get into the school choir, the music teacher saying that I can sing quite well. So there was that tiny confidence boost.

But then, my mother found out. And she was really really mad. She yelled at me so much, and called me a disappointment, and a bad daughter and so on. And repeated the "you can't sing at all" story, and even said that "even a broom can dance better than you".... although I'm not that bad tbh. It really hurt me and I just gave up, because she told me that if I even thought about it again, she'd make sure I regretted it and she'd cut me out. Which really hurt because I love her, but this was also a part of my dream.

My depression got really bad at that point, I gained weight again, and I was just at a really low point in my life. I didn't even dance anymore and going to choir was a chore. I do love my studies now, and I don't hate the job prospects I have once I'm done with them, but I guess my dream never completely left.

However, the other day I discovered a sort of online training school where they give you the same lessons and opportunities as for trainees in Korea. So dance, vocal, fitness lessons basically, with regular evaluations and the possibility, if you're good enough, to audition for a company. I think they also teach you Korean, but that part wasn't really clear. And I guess my dream never really left me. I signed up, but I still have to sign up for classes, which are quite expensive. But I know that if my mother finds out, I'm dead. But I do really want to do that. And there's also the fact that I'm already 20, so I guess I'm too old for that? And I'm not Korean nor east-asian, so even if I was younger, it would be difficult.... and there's also the fact that my confidence is really low, and I don't think I'd get anywhere while doing that, but idk....

But what do you guys think I should do?

I'm sorry to put this out here, but I really don't know what to do.....