him.

xxxvii

monday 20:55
incoming facetime call

"okay, what's up?"

i take a shaky breath.
"are you with anyone right now?
like, can anyone hear you?"

he flicks over his playstation menus before turning his tv off.

"no, don't worry, it's just you and me."

this is it.
this really isn't how i wanted to tell him.

"okay, it's gonna be a lot thrown at you quickly, so-
don't interrupt me or like ask questions or anything till i'm done?
just so i can get it all out of my system, okay?"

"sure."

"okay.
so this really isn't the way i wanted to do this. i had it all planned out, but like,
things have happened so i've had to change things.

every time you asked who i liked... i-
i lied.
like a couple of those people i genuinely did like, but...
not as much as you.

i like you.
i always have."

he starts to stutter a response.

"no don't, just let me get on with it-
i know i'm saying this at an awkward time because you and her are talking and stuff, but... i don't know if you noticed today, but like..
i can't run off crying every lunch without an explanation. it's just, ugh- i had everything planned out on how i was gonna do this because this means a lot to me? i didn't wanna tell you like this at all. i didn't really want to tell you at all to be honest. i knew i had to explain it to you now though so you understood what's going on.

i understand if this changes things between us. like it's gonna have to now you're talking to her, but like i get if you don't want to talk to me anymore or you're avoiding me because this has made things awkward. it hurts but i want you two to try with each other because you're both my best friends and i'd rather you be happy because i'll get used to it. it'll take a while but i will."

i stop.
the camera is facing the ceiling so he can't see that i've been crying over him.

"are you done?" he murmurs.

"i think so-" my voice catches at the end
and i clear my throat.

dammit
i was going so well-

"i can't believe you lied to me and i didn't figure it out-"

"well do you want to go admitting your feelings to the girl you like every time she asks you? i thought you knew anyway."

"hey, my turn, no interrupting !"
he's using a cutesy, indignant tone of voice to try and make this less serious
because he hates anyone being upset
because he hates comforting people
because he believes he isn't good at it-

why did i do this??
i've just made him feel worse

he's trying to hide it
but i'm in overdrive
and i clamp down on my tongue to silence another sob.

this is so fucking pointless
it's just causing more pain.
why did i do this ????

my hand hovers over the red button.
he can hear my breathing, and brings me back -

"don't hang up. let me sort this out."

he's serious.
i've never heard him this serious before.

"just... how did i not figure that out ? i mean i knew when i first figured it out but i thought you only liked me for a month or two."

i laugh, "if only."

"how long has it been then?"

i hold my breath.
"... nearly a year."

he screams down the phone. i giggle sheepishly.

a fake giggle.
but it's better than words at this point.

"anyway i feel really bad that i'm making you go through this. i honestly didn't know it's been that long... i didn't read it like that."

i'm scrambling to explain, anything to make it sound better
me and my big mouth
why can't i shut up ??
it's like word vomit
the quicker i get this out of my system
the quicker i can recover

..i guess
that's what vomiting is right?

"hey- i'm so sorry. listen, i'm always gonna be your best friend, no matter what. i know this meant a lot to you and this was just all wrong timing- but you have to promise me no more secrets. i don't want you hurting this much ever again."

"okay, i promise."

"good. and you never know, me and her might not work out. i don't know what's going to happen in the future."

"okay. sorry for everything- and thanks for not freaking out."

"it's fine. thanks for telling me."

and we spent that whole night talking.

i held onto every second,
because i knew this would be the last time in a while we would talk properly like we normally do.

it was the last time we did, actually.
i wish it wouldn't end like this.