him.

lx

i think
if you did ask me out now
i wouldn't know what to say

because you are my first love
and i want you
but the first love is always the most painful
and it's fucked me up

i think
there's always going to be a part of me that wants you
and it's always going to make me sad thinking about what could've been

but most of all,
i think
you've well and truly broken me, kai.

i guess you'll just have to understand
that when i cut you off one day
- that i've needed to do this for my entire life but never had the strength to do so
- that this emotional war with myself has nothing and everything to do with you
- and that despite all this negativity and hate directed towards you:

i love you.
and i always will.

and i want the best for you
even if the best isn't me.

sincerely,
forever yours.