him.

a/n

31st august 2018

hey.

i hope this book touched you.
i hope that you can't relate, because i don't want anyone to go through what i did, or what i'm going through now.

it's literal hell.
i'm so sorry if you can relate. i want to say it does get better... but i haven't reached that point yet.

if you're mentioned in this book, i hope you don't get mad aha
i doubt you will because no one i know actually likes to read or even knows about this app if i'm honest.
i'm not using any names where i can because i don't want you to feel guilty. this was my journey and i needed to do it alone. i know at some points some of you noticed what was going on and tried to help, but as i will say later on, i didn't want your help because i was tired of being vulnerable. i didn't want to feel like i was burdening someone by explaining my problems. i know some of you knew that i wasn't eating, that i wasn't smiling anymore, that i wasn't sleeping- but it was my problem, and mine alone. i didn't want to tell anyone about it, because as soon as i did, it would become real. i couldn't control who knew anymore. you could go and tell someone who had power over me. i would be vulnerable again.

that word is definitely overused by this point lol

i guess that's why i wrote this. because this way, none of you would see it. i could vent without anyone knowing that this was about me, and it wasn't real because i hadn't said it out loud. my brain works in weird ways, and i guess this is what made it easier at the end.

if you're him reading this- which i doubt, the only way you'll read is if i show you this, and when would i ever show you this ? - then please don't take it personally how much pain you caused me. at this point in time, i'm still head over heels for you, and that may change in the future... but i hope you'll understand why i never told you everything. i didn't want you to worry, or feel guilty. because i guess i never imagined becoming this close to you. i always thought you'd be unreachable to me, someone i strived to be with, but it was always impossible because i would never approach you. i suppose having the right people around us brought us together.
i never want to lose you as my best friend. we've grown apart lately, but i remain certain we will always be friends, even if we become distant. this year has been the best year of my life, despite how turbulent it has been and how much you (unknowingly) put me through. i'm still holding out hope for us one day, but i'm aware how impossible that is.

this book explained my relapse. this book was my way of explaining what i was feeling to myself in a somewhat positive way. this book was my outlet, my way of staying safe from myself, my way of communicating my own feelings to myself to help understand what was going on in my head. when you get so emotionally attached to someone, you start to lose sight of who you are, because everything revolves around them. this helped me take a step back and remember i needed to be put first too, that i needed to be happy and healthy before i could give myself to someone.

unfortunately, he is still my reason for getting better. i doubt i can keep him where he is and get better, but i want to try. i don't want to detach myself from him yet, and that's probably why i'm still stuck here.

if you're in a similar situation, please remember you are not alone. please don't beat yourself up over a person who doesn't want you. you aren't worthless just because they don't love you. remember there are people that can help.

don't do anything you'll regret later.
they aren't worth that- they may be worth a lot to you, but no one should ever be worth that much. write it out, talk to someone- put yourself first. call any hotline you need, take time out, tell your family you need them: don't feel guilty. you need yourself first; you're stuck with one body and one mind for your entire life, and you don't want to be stuck with the broken ones. let yourself heal. this person may not be in your life forever: they may just be a lesson. please listen to some of this and learn from me. i don't know you, but i never want anyone to have to feel what i felt. please remember that.