him.

lii

"what's wrong? i saw you just logged out of everything, and you never do that-"

"now's really not a good time."
..:my voice can't even handle that sentence

even though i tried to steady it
even though i tried to breathe
even though i tried to put all the confidence i had into that one sentence

i still fucked up
but it's nothing new.

"hey, hey... try to calm down for me? please? take some deep breaths, in, and out- take your time, don't rush- and tell me what's wrong? you don't have to but i know you and i know you've been bottling this up again, so i want you to tell me. if it's okay, i mean."

"i-"

i want to cry even more after that
but i refuse to embarrass myself
i don't want you to hear me crying
because that's all i do now

cry.

sometimes
i watch others be happy
and try to remember what that was like.

"shh, it's okay, take your time."

"i.. i fought with my dad."

explaining the fight was excruciating
because we fight all the time
and this was barely a fight compared to the others

but because of you
i'm so delicate
and i just crumbled
and i know i'm mumbling
but i can't say it any louder
what if he hears me?

"okay, i'm so sorry but i didn't understand most of that. can you try speak up for me? just a little, don't worry if you can't."

"like this?"
it's still too quiet.

"uhm, okay, we're going to do a quick speaking exercise- y'know, like you do in drama? so, repeat after me: i-"

you wait expectantly.

"... are we really doing this?"

"yes!"

i can't even sigh without my voice giving up on me.

"i-"

"like-"

"like-"

"chicken."

"....are you serious?" i'm laughing
it's hollow and empty
but it's a laugh
a genuine one

"cmon, please?"

"...chicken."

"say that three times."

"i like chicken. i like chicken. i like-"

my breath hitches.

"i like chicken."

"good. now, start from the top, and take your time, okay?"

i have to re-say several things several times because i'm mumbling
but i'm talking
and it feels weird.

"i know that's not all of it, because you wouldn't break down over just this. what else have you bottled up?"

"are you really sure you want to know?"

"yes."

"you."
i regret saying that.

"you've began to distance yourself again. i know you have to, to fix things, but it still hurts.
the last time you did that you started going out with my best friend.
and i can't stop worrying that i've done something wrong? i don't know if i have, but it's just the way my brain works- i'm so used to people leaving me because i'm me. i'm worried you're not gonna stick around after all this dies down."

and if i'm honest
i'm so confused
because i can but can't function without you.

i said a lot more after that
but i can't really remember what it was

because i'm being vulnerable
you could turn around and stab me in the back by knowing all of this
and i'd probably thank you for killing me.