Masked

Leave

I remember the first real fight we ever had like it was yesterday.

It was nearing finals week.

I was tapping my pen on the edge of my notebook, unable to concentrate on anything. 

I was feeling unusual that day from what I recall.

"What's wrong Haz?" he asked me, noticing that something wasn't right in my eyes.

I shrugged my shoulders, keeping my eyes on my book.

"I know you enough to know when something is wrong Harry, tell me," he demanded.

"Nothing Lou, really," I lied.

I pulled out another book from the small book bag my mom had gotten me junior year of high school.

"This isn't the right way to deal with your problems," he barked at me.

I chuckled to myself, he was the last person that knew about dealing with problems in the right way.

"Can I ask you something?" I muttered the words that started it all.

"Anything," his voice got softer.

"Will we ever have a normal relationship?" I asked him.

"What's not normal about us?' he asked.

"Nothing, I'm sorry I said anything," I blurted.

"No Harry, what the fuck are you talking about?" he snapped.

"You know what I mean," I pushed.

"I think we're pretty normal, look at us hanging out like normal couples do," he pointed at the two of us.

"Yeah, hanging out inside this stupid room," I rolled my eyes.

"I don't even know what to say," Louis said.

"Me either," Even though I had a lot to say.

He teared a piece of paper out of his notebook, crumbled it and tossed it into the trash can across the room.

"Will we ever go out on fancy dates? Will we ever be able to post cute pictures of us together online? Will you ever tell anyone about me?"

The words spilled out of me.

I couldn't believe myself. I had never had the guts to speak that way to Louis and I always held those feelings in.

The look on his face said it all.

He didn't speak he just looked up at the ceiling like he was looking for some type of answer to give me.

I shuddered while I waited for his response.

"Never mind, I'm sorry," I said before he can answer.

"I don't know what to say to you Harry," he repeated.

I nodded although I wanted to scream.

"I'm never going to be able to give you what you want," he said.

I said nothing.

"I won't ever be able to show you off to people, I can't bring you home to my parents and have a nice dinner with awkward conversations, none of it can happen because none of this is right," his voice said angrily.

"If it's not right then why are you doing it?" I said with a blank expression on my face.

"Why are you?" he yelled.

"Because I love you," I said holding in every emotion that was crashing through my mind. 

"Fuck Harry, I love you too but I will never be okay with this." His hands rushed to pull at his hair.

He always did that when he was stressed out.

I felt words coming up that I couldn't stop even if I tried.

"You know what Louis, why don't you just leave me? Get the fuck out of my life. Just because you're never going to be okay with the fact that you're gay doesn't mean I should have to hide. I'm okay with myself. I'm happy with it, and I'm happy with you but I can't fucking do this to myself," I yelled.

He stared at me, somewhat shocked that I was showing so much of what I really felt.

It looked like he was almost about to say something but I continued anyway.

"Just go." My shaking finger was pointed at the door.

"No, I won't go," he stood up and raised his voice.

I sat back down and let him take the floor.

"You are right that it's not fair to you Harry, and I hate that it can't be different but this is your fault. YOU fell in love with me. I was straight for all you knew.  I was in a happy normal relationship but you came and ruined my whole fucking life."

I watched his facial expression change after he let those words out, then realizing what he had just said.

"I am really sorry for saying that, please let me explain myself," he said while I cried.

"Just leave Louis, please," I begged.

He didn't move from where he was standing.

"Harry, please," he pleaded.

"Please, just fucking go!" I screamed louder than I had ever heard my own voice.

His body was still frozen on the ground while his eyes blinked quickly.

He started shaking his head.

"Don't do this," he growled.

There was no change in my demeanor as I held the door open.

His hand slammed it shut and I jumped backwards.

"Don't fucking do this, you're nothing without me. You need me," his nasty words filled my ears.

I began to walk to the bathroom and run away from him and all of his anger.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me back into the room.

"Is this what you want? You want me to leave you?" he asked.

I nodded.

I needed him gone before he could do any more damage to my heart.

"Fine, fuck you. Fuck you Harry. Don't fucking call me, don't even think about seeing me ever again. I'm done with you."

He left the room and slammed the door behind him.

I fell to the ground and instantly felt like anything that ever meant anything to me just left forever.

I also felt relief knowing the battle was over, and I could start moving on.

I didn't have to hide anymore, and I shouldn't have had to.