Masked

Words

That was the night that I learned I was holding in a ton of resentment and anger towards Louis. I replayed my harsh words over and over in my head and regretted nothing.

Three months had gone by and after two weeks he stopped trying.

He would call me once in the morning and once and night and I would ignore it.

One night I came home and he was on my bed, sobbing.

It took a lot of fight within me to make him leave, but he did without an argument.

I wasn't surprised that the school year had been coming to an end.

I remember one night I was at a party and I drank a lot, I stumbled back into my room and wrote him a long letter.

"Louis,

If I've learned anything from our experience it is that love isn't the best thing in the world. Love can cut deep, love can cause a lot of pain. I don't understand why people spend their whole lives looking for "love". However, I have learned the best thing in the world is loving you. You've made a lot of fucked up mistakes and you've hurt me more than you'll ever know but god damn, you're still perfect to me. Love is such a talked about topic but no one ever talks about who they're sharing it with. Loving you has been and will always be the best part of my day. I miss you Lou, fuck. I miss you so much. I'm afraid, I'm really scared you'll hurt me again. I don't know what's worse, not having you or having you but knowing I never really will have all of you. It's late, I'm drunk and I love you."

I never gave it to him. I swore I wouldn't. I knew deep down the best thing for both of us was to move on.

I told myself if I ever let him hurt me again that's when I would give it to him.

The last few weeks of school dragged, but I was pleased once they were over.

Moving back in with my mom felt nice. She knew enough not to mention him.

My sister was spending the summer in Germany with a friend. It was a quiet few months.

One day while my mom was having brunch with a friend I thought about killing myself.

I thought about it, long and hard.

I weighed the pros and cons over a cup of coffee at my kitchen table.

I never took any action whatsoever to do so, I wasn't even surely serious. It was just a thought that had crossed my mind for a minute or two.

It was then that I decided to go on a nice long hike. I left my mom a note to let her know when I would be back.

I packed water and snacks into a small backpack and drove out to the reservation.

It took me only seconds to recognize his car in the lot and my heart stopped.

It could have been anyone's Honda but it was the cheesy bumper stickers that gave it away. I used to always tease him about them.

I stayed in my car and considered leaving, until I noticed he was still in the car.

Once he noticed me he jumped out and so did I.

The gravel and dirt crushed under my sneakers while I stepped towards him.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm sorry, I hope I didn't ruin your favorite place," his voice sounded deeper.

"No Lou, it's not like that," I said.

"I just needed to feel you," he said.

I couldn't stop my body from slamming into his. My lips covered his and my hands gripped his face.

Our breathless moans filled the sounds of the nature surrounding us.

We were both crying while we embraced each other.

"Fuck," I let out in defeat.

We climbed into the back of his car and I fucked him.

He felt tight and warm, he felt like home.

"I love you so much," he whispered into my ear.

"I love you."

"I think I'm ready," he said once we were finished.

"Ready for what?" I asked.

"To run away, just you and I," his eyes were wide.

"Lou," I said.

"This is what you want," he reminded me.

"We have a lot to work on," I said to him.

"Nothing is going to keep us apart, face it," he told the truth.

He locked his fingers around mine and twirled circles all over my hand.

"Did you know I would be here?" I asked him.

"No, I hoped you would be of course. I just needed a reminder of your presence," he said quietly.

"I missed you so much," I told him.

He nodded.

"I'm sorry," he said for the hundredth time.

I nodded, that time.

"We're fucking hopeless," I joked.

"That we are," he sighed.