Masked

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It was three days before I found out Louis had passed away.

I wouldn't let my mind even consider the possibilty that he was gone.

I forced myself to believe that he deicded he wanted nothing to do with me. 

I found out from watching the fucking news.

"College student killed in deadly car crash," written just above his picture.

I couldn't get that sight out of mind for weeks.

I didn't leave my room for two weeks. 

The school had a memorial for him and I refused to step foot near it. 

It took me so long to believe that he was actually gone.

I really believed it was all just a big joke and that he would burst in and kiss me.

Just like he always did.

I was so mad at him for leaving me.

It was one mistake I couldn't forgive. 

It took me two weeks to notice his journal on the floor, I tucked it into my bag.

My mom came to pick me up from school and she had to carry me to her car. I was lifeless without him.

I hadn't showered or eaten since that day. I barely spoke a word the whole time. 

When I finally got the courage to open that damn book I read all of his beautiful words.

It was the only thing I had left of him.

He came alive through each page that I read.

The last thing he wrote was;

"Love. I never believed I could fully understand the meaning of the word. The strength, the power, the undeniable need for it. I find love every single day. No emotion will ever run deeper than love. Love is the reason we feel any other emotion at all. Love is the root of our souls and it builds our bones together. Love keeps our blood running and heart pumping. Love saves us. Love is him. Love is the way he crinkles his nose when I laugh at him. Love is the way he forgives me. Love is the way he would do anything for me. Love is the look in his eye when he first sees me. Love is the small smile on his lips when we first wake up. Love is the way his eyes grow wide when he sees the stars or the moon. Love is the way he knows all the words to my favorite song. Love is you, love is I. My love for him will never die."