Dawn (A Hobbit Fanfic)

Chapter 7 - I will destroy you all with my hands tied.

I regained consciousness some time later. It came paired with a terrible headache and a continued feeling of drowsiness. Suffice to say, I was quite done with Trolls for at least until we pass the Misty Mountains. Then I wanted to throw a dagger in one's face.

I realised that I was draped face-down over Thorin's lap. My hands and ankles were tied as well. It must've looked very elegant. We hadn't been disarmed but I couldn't reach the weapons I had. My attempts to do so anyway alerted Thorin of the fact that was awake again.
"Are you alright?" he asked quietly.
"Of sorts. Are your hands bound in front of you, or behind you?" I replied.
"I am in a sack," he grumbled.
"Well fuck."
"No need for that."
"Yes there is need for that. We are going to be eaten unless someone manages to discreetly free all fifteen of us." He didn't say anything, just gave a hum.

I couldn't see what was going on, so I tried to roll around.
"What are you doing?"
"I can't see shit."
I fell to the ground. But hey! At least my ass wasn't in Thorin's face anymore. And I could now see what was going on.

I wish my face was hidden in Thorin's lap again. At least half of our group was tied around a spit. The Troll that was apparently the cook was turning it. The stupid-looking one approached him.
"Don't bother cooking 'em! Let's just sit on 'em and squash 'em into jelly."
"They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage," the cook argued. It sounded at least partly sarcastic.
"Oh that does sound quite nice," agreed Stupid.
"Never mind the seasoning, we ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away, let's get a move on! I don't fancy being turned to stone!" yelled Brute.
"Dawn is a couple of feet away from you, and I will turn you to stone!" I yelled at them. I heard some of the Dwarves behind me chuckle. An idea had clearly struck Bilbo as he hopped forward in his sack.
"Wait! You're making a terrible mistake!" he shouted.
"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!" I heard Dori say.
"Half-wits? What does that make us?" replied Bofur.
"Quarter-wits, as we got ourselves captured by them," I filled in.
"That was just you," teased Thorin.
"Shut up," I huffed.

I focussed on Bilbo and his plan again, I might be able to help him.
"I meant with the uh.. with the.. with the seasoning," he stuttered.
"What about the seasoning?" asked cook. Are you stalling for time Bilbo? Let's hope it works.
"Well, have you smelled them? You're gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!"
There were some yells of protest. A lot them actually.
"The girl smelled fine."
Humans, heh, incredibly bitter and a real hassle to get any bite off. I really wouldn't recommend it.

"She has.. a uh.. she's very ill, surprised she even made it this long to be honest."
Bilbo to the rescue! Thanks mate. I feigned a cough.
"Not that one then, what do you know about cooking Dwarf?" asked the cook again.
"Uh... the- the secret to cooking Dwarf is um..."
"Yes, hurry a bit," nagged Brute.
"Shut up, and let the...uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk."
"The secret is to... skin them first."

The Dwarves roared in protest. It was so loud that it hurt my ears. A grin spread over Cook's face. "Tom, get me filleting knife," he ordered. The stupid-looking one, who apparently was called Tom lumbered forward.
"What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff 'em I say! Boots an' all!" argued Brute.

Well, this is... less than ideal. Wait! Is that Gandalf?

"He's right! Nothing wrong with a bit o' raw dwarf. Nice and crunchy," agreed Tom, grabbing Dwalin.
"Not that one! He's infected!" I yelled.
"You what?" Asked Brute. By the Valar these guys were thick-skulled.
"Yeah, he's got worms in his...tubes," Bilbo went on. I meant with my disease but sure.

Tom shrieked as he threw Dwalin down.
"In-in fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't," Bilbo continued.
"Parasites? Did he say parasites?" asked Oin, probably thinking he misheard.
"Yeah, we don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili countered Bilbo.
I looked over my shoulder and raised my eyebrow at them, signalling that were being idiots. They seemed to realise what Bilbo was doing now.