Dawn (A Hobbit Fanfic)

Chapter 27 - The most confusing battle in the history of battles.

"Don't ask him that, he's out of his mind," I hissed at Bard.
Thorin stared at a raven that landed beside him. He smirked. "I will have war!"
I gave Thorin my best unadulterated death glare of the most potent type. My message was: "If either of us survive this, I will hunt you down and kick your ass down the rampart." It wasn't his fault, but I was still furious with him. Not only because he wanted war, but also because my butt still hurt.
I think he received the signal loud and clear this time, because he cowered away from my line of sight.
I groaned, but it was lost under a loud rumbling sound that came. We all looked to the East. There stood an army of heavily armoured Dwarves led by Dain Ironfoot. I knew absolutely nothing about him.
"Well, absolute fuck," I sighed, before following Gandalf.
Father urged his Elk forward. "Rush the shield-fence," he ordered.
"Who's that? He doesn't look very happy," I asked as I was trying to catch up to Gandalf without running.
"It is Dain, the lord of the Iron Hills, Thorin's cousin," he told me with a worried look on his face.
"They're alike aren't they?" I asked fearfully.
"I've ways found Thorin the more reasonable of the two."
I halted and looked back at the mountain. Thorin had re-emerged but when I caught his eye, his attention seemed to be on anything but me. He didn't seem to be focussed on the situation at hand either, more on not looking my way.

"He hasn't been an easy costumer to you, has he?" I asked rhetorically. Gandalf gave a hum. He had heard me but likely hadn't listened to what I was saying.
"We are absolutely fucked," I said to myself before I ran up to Gandalf again.
The short hairs where Thorin cut of the braid were just long enough to get blown into my eye by the wind. "I will shave him in his sleep," I promised myself.
The two armies stopped at a short distance from each other. Dain addressed us.
"Good morning, how are we all? I have a wee proposition, if you wouldn't mind giving me a few moments of your time. Would you... consider... just sodding off! All of you! Right now!"
Ah, the Iron Hill accent. It's fucking great. Difficult to decipher, but great for insulting people.
The Laketown fishermen were less amused and quite intimidated. They did indeed try to sod off.
"Stand fast!" ordered Bard from his horse. The terrified lakemen did as they were told.
"I can handle this, I think. I can be ruder than he is," I offered Gandalf.
"Outruding him would be our very last solution. Let me do the talking," Gandalf counteroffered politely. It was his way of saying: "You keep your fucking mouth shut."

"Come now, lord Dain!" he addressed the Dwarf lord before I could protest.
"Gandalf the Grey," Gandalf gave a polite nod before Dain continued. "Tell this rubble to leave or I'll water the ground with their blood."
I stayed behind as Gandalf walked out in front of the army. "There is no need for war between Dwarves, Men and Elves. A legion of Orcs marches on the mountain. Stand your army down."
Oh fuck. More than fucked now, I think we need a stronger word, like pregnant. Because actually the situation was fucked a while ago.

"I will not stand down before any Elf! Not least this faithless woodland sprite!" He pointed his hammer at my father, who looked highly offended.
I would have laughed had it not been for the threat of an Orc legion hanging in the air.
"Forget standing your army down, I say we combine forces and make sure that the legion of Orcs doesn't flatten us! I have found that it is entirely possible for Elves and Dwarves to work together, if you possess the self control it takes to not kill one another. I was one of the idiots who reclaimed the mountain and last time I checked, my ears ended in points," I stepped forward.
"I am not going to cooperate with you Elves!" Dain argued.
"Once again, Orcs!" I restated my main point.
"He wishes nothing but ill upon my people. If he chooses to stand between me and my kin, I'll split his pretty head open! See if he's still smirking then!" He was pointing at Thranduil again, who gave the illusion that he was amused but I knew the smirk of disapproval. I had it directed at me many times before.
"Let them advance, see how far they get," he spat.
"You think I give a dead boar for your threats, you pointy-eared princess?" Dain shot over his shoulder as he rode up to his army.
I laughed at that and Thranduil directed the smirk of disapproval at me.
"He's clearly mad, like his cousin," retorted my father while my friends cheered in the background at Dain's rants.