The Switch // phan

chapter 13

A/N: I CRIED INTO A PINT OF ICE CREAM WHILE WRITING THIS AND THE NEXT CHAPTER

Phil's POV

Today I'm taking Nan to the hospital because she's been terribly ill and has not gotten better. So it's about two pm and her touch seems to get colder with every hour that passes. Now's the time where i'm taking her but I don't feel right calling a cab or Pj to drive us there, what if whatever she's come down with causes her feel car sick? My mind was only able to think of these bad scenarios so to ease my mind i'll just take her on foot but obviously not make her walk.

¨Nan? I think it's time we go visit the doctor.¨ I said to the ill old lady lying on her bed. She nodded her head in response sitting up asking me to come to her, of course I wouldn't refuse. I walked over to the woman on the bed who engulfed me into a hug for what felt like ever. ¨I love you with everything in me Phil. ¨ she mumbled. I smiled and pulled away ¨I love you too Nan.¨

I helped her walk down the corridor of our home and sitting her down on the couch. ¨We have to go now, do you need anything before we go?¨ I asked the lady who struggled to even put her slippers on. I walked over to her and slid them on her feet for her ¨My phone please.¨ She coughed. I nodded walking over to her phone on the table and slid it in my pocket. ¨Ready?¨ I asked the weak lady and she responded with a sigh and a small 'yes'.

I walked over to the couch she was sitting on dropping to my knees and waiting for her to hop on my back. Once she did I carefully stood up finding my balance and beginning to walk to the front door. I walked slowly and carefully not wanting to hurt my poor sick Nan. Once I stepped outside I turned around and locked the door not dropping her legs from my hands. ¨How do you feel Nan? Should I go faster?¨ I asked the woman over my shoulder who was half asleep. She gave a small nod agreeing for me to go faster.

I walked faster and it seemed the closer I got to the hospital the more my heart and stomach dropped and my knees became weak. I guess Nan felt me shaking ¨Phil? I can walk dear, you don't need to carry me.¨ She offered. I shook my head ¨No Nan, if it makes you feel better we are only a block away I can see the building from here. ¨

¨That doesn't because we can see the building from home¨ she joked. It's nice and reassuring seeing her able to joke still. We arrived at the surprisingly empty hospital and were met with by doctors almost instantly. They brought Nan to a room and didn't allow me to go back until ¨They were ready¨ whatever that means. I sat in the waiting room patiently for an hour until the familiar doctor came back to greet me again.

¨Mr.Lester?¨ He asked walking up to me looking down at his clipboard. ¨That's me.¨ I answered. He didn't look like he was there to inform me of something good. ¨Is she gonna be okay?¨ I asked ignoring his look of sympathy. He sighed ¨She was here not too long ago and was diagnosed.¨ I shot a confused look at the slightly shorter blonde haired doctor.

¨Diagnosed with what?¨ I said trying not to choke on the giant lump forming in my throat.

¨Cancer.¨ With that word I choked and fell to my knees crying hoping this was a nightmare and I would wake up soon. The doctor came down to my level on the floor and hugged me ¨I'm sorry Mr.Lester.¨ He said trying not to cry with me. ¨C-can I see h-her?¨ I managed to ask him through cries. He nodded, ¨I'll show you to her room¨ He stood up pulling me up gently by the shoulders and walking me down the corridor.

We reached the end of the corridor and turned into the last room on the left. He opened the door and let me in after I entered he gently shut it and walked away. I slowly walked into the room to see Nan laying on the hospital bed with tubes and wire everywhere. In her arm was a needle and in her nose a breathing pipe. She was hooked up to a machine that read her heart beat. The first thing I prayed for was to not be here when the line goes flat.

I stood at the foot of the bed tears still flowing down my cheeks. I watched her open her eyes and stare at me. ¨How long did you know?¨ I asked feeling both angry and sad. ¨Before the switch.¨ she hesitated to answer. ¨Nan, why didn't you tell me or Dan. Why did you wait until the last second when you had to be rushed to the hospital?¨ I whined.

¨Would you have been happy if I told you earlier that I was dying faster as every day passed?¨ She asked to answer my complaint.

¨No. But I could've prepared or something.¨ I tried to defend myself.

She gave me eyes like she knew she already won the argument. ¨No one can just 'prepare' for the death of another.¨ She explained. ¨I know. But Nan-¨
¨Shh, it's okay Phil. When it's over I promise I'll still be by yours and Dan's side. Maybe not physically but spiritually. I promise.¨ She pointed to the seat next to her bed suggesting I sit there.

I walked to the seat and held her hand. ¨But how am I supposed to be okay with this?¨ I asked tears flowing down my pale face faster.

¨You don't need to be okay all the time Phil. It's okay to cry once in a while and it's okay NOT to be okay for even a couple days. Even the strongest of the strong can be okay all the time. So mourn for the loss of me but don't keep your head down too long or you might miss the great things happening in front of you.¨ She squeezed my hand trying to reassure me. I tried to shoot her a smile, but the weakest smile was the only thing I was able to force. She was right but it's easier said than done. She lifted my chin with her free hand ¨I love you Phil. I always have and I always will I swear.¨

I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch ¨I love you too Nan. Forever and always.¨ I replied.

She smiled ¨It's night now isn't it?¨

I nodded my head opening my eyes when she placed her hand back at her side. ¨Visiting hours will be over soon so listen to my last words to you.¨ She said turning her head to look me in the eyes, at those words the tears weren't something I was able to control.

¨Phillip Michael Lester, My angel, My heart and soul. Tonight is the last night I will feel your touch but please believe it is not the last time we will see each other. Ever since you were an infant I knew you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would never in a trillion years ask for anyone else or any other situation. You're the reason I stayed on this cruel earth after your mom passed. I can't put my love for you into words but this is the best I am able to do. So on my last night with you I ask you to live the rest of your life with no regrets and fill it with happiness. That is what i'll be watching from heaven everyday. You have never failed to disappoint me and I know you never will. I've known you for eight teen years and I don't regret a second. I ask you to meet Dan, marry him and have the best future. Like I promised I will be there watching. You are such a bright young man and I know you'll only get better. Bless the world with the knowledge in you. Your the smartest and sweetest boy anyone will ever meet. Never ever think any of my mean actions were intended to hurt you, they were to protect you. Travel the world with your friends and future husband and never forget me okay? I love you.¨ She said trying to hold her tears back.

The tears on my face never stopped the whole time she was talking. ¨Nan. Thank you for such an amazing life I couldn't have asked for anyone better. Because there is no one better than you. I wouldn't dare on mothers grave forget you. I love you with everything in me Nan. I know we'll meet again in the after life so wait up for me okay? I'm going to stay here so Dan can say his goodbyes. " I informed Nan.

And with that the doctor walked into the room ¨Sorry Mr.Lester but visiting hours are over, so say your goodnight and you are allowed to come back tomorrow morning.¨ He informed me.  I nodded standing up and not letting go of her hand. I leaned down and kissed her forehead for a while. ¨I love you. Wait for me in the after life and I promise to do exactly what you dreamed.¨ I cried loosening my grip and walking to the door trying not to look back.

>>
i'm still in tears.

- susan