Gone

Chapter 21.

Julie

"Are you okay J?" Emily asks me, concerned. Her small fingers tug at my wet hair, weaving it into a braid while we sit criss-crossed on my bed.

"No. No, I'm not." I answer truthfully. My eyes feel heavy from crying and I'm exhausted. I bring my pillow close to my chest and bury my face into it.

Today has to have been one of the longest and craziest days of my life. I managed to screw up a friendship that barely started, tried to make-out with a band member, and almost get slapped by someone I thought I had a crush on.

I cringe at the memories of earlier tonight and squeeze my pillow tightly.

I don't know how to explain my emotions. At first I was thrilled to see Emily and the boys. After that I felt rather uncomfortable because Harry was around and it was just strange. Then, I was enraged at the fact that he would say such things to me in front of everyone in a public place. Finally, I broke. Harry left and I asked the other boys if they could drop Emily and I off at my house and take Carly back to the hospital because I couldn't stand seeing all of their sympathetic faces for me.

"It will be alright J. It will be alright. That's what Niall told me." Emily advises me, stroking through my hair. I nod, not knowing what else to say. When she is finished with the braid, she sits across from me and snuggles underneath the blanket ready for bed.

"Hey Em?" I say rather quietly.

"Hmm?" she hums.

"Do you think Harry hates me?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that he hates you. More like he dislikes you with a great passion. Remember J, you can't be liked by everyone." she says, hinting to me that he most likely does hate me.

"I know, but it just sucks.When you first told me about One Direction, I was instantly attracted to Harry because you desribed him as the sweet, funny, good boy/ bad boy kind of guy. Why is he so different from what he is said to be?" she yawns and I can tell she is already drifting off into sleep. I don't even expect an answer out of her, seeing that she's knocked out.

I lay down with our backs to each other and close my eyes, hoping that these memories will be long forgotten. Before I completely pass out, I hear a small faint voice.

*~*~*~*~*

Emily

"Are you okay J?" I ask and start to

re-braid her hair. She's been so quiet since dinner, and she looks terrible. The small amount of make-up that she did put on is smeared across her cheeks and glued down with the tears that have dried. Her eyes are red and puffy which make her electrifying blue eyes stand out.

"No. No I'm not." I'm thankful that she tells me the truth no matter what. I like being able to speak to each other about things that have been bothering us. We help each other with our problems. We are each others personal therapist.

"It will be alright J. It will be alright." I advise her. "That's what Niall told me."

I smile at the thought of Niall and how sweet he has been to me. He treats me as if I'm not diagnosed with cancer. He treats me like a real human being.

He's like the big brother I never had, and Julie is like the big sister I wish I had. My older sister is a wreck and gets into so much trouble. She has dug herself a huge hole in life that I don't think she can climb out of.

I finish braiding her hair and slip underneath the covers. Julie's bed is like laying on a cloud compared to the rock hard beds at the hospital. I haven't laid in a bed this soft since I left home- my real home. Now I live in an uptight hospital and I will probably continue to live there until the day I die. That's all my life ever is anymore: a white room with uncomfortable furniture and one too many noisy machines.

"Hey Em?"

"Hmm?" I hum, snuggling deeper into the covers.

"Do you think Harry hates me?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that he hates you. More like he dislikes you with a great passion. Remember J, you can't be liked by everyone." I let her know.

"I know, but it just sucks.When you first told me about One Direction, I was instantly attracted to Harry because you desribed him as the sweet, funny, good boy/ bad boy kind of guy. Why is he so different from what he is said to be?" she speaks slowly with the same small, desperate voice. I yawn and lay onto my side.

I try and lay as still as I can so she'll think I've already gone to sleep. I have an answer, but it might disappoint her even more. Her back presses against mine. She's so exhausted and I know she'll be fast asleep within minutes.

Guilt eats away at my mind because I never answered her. She's emotionally unstable and I know what it's like to feel confused and lost. I was in that same situation when I was diagnosed.

"Only society sees the side of them that is good, but everybody has a bad side. Some will show it sooner than others, therefore you must wait. In the end, everyone's true colors show, and that's when you have to realize that their good side was just a mask covering up the real them. But soon that mask wears off and they are left uncovered for the world to see. Good guys and happy endings have the same thing in common: they are just a mask and their existence only appears in fairytales. I'm sorry J, but life is no fairytale. I wish you could see the world through my eyes and then maybe you would understand...just maybe."

The guilt drains with my words and a tear rolls down my cheek. I doubt she heard me though, and in a way, I hope she didn't. My response wasn't mainly focused on Harry like she wanted, but also on others around her. I hope she understands what I'm trying to tell her.

But that's the thing about hope: you can't have much, and you can't put it up too high. The higher you are, the more that will come crashing down, and the deeper you may fall.

*~*~*~*~*

Julie and Emily moment? Yaaas? Nah?

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