Reviews [CLOSED]

Love and Lies

Reviewed by: faithavelina

Author: DarkRoyallty

Cover:

I don’t love your cover. It isn’t bad, but it doesn’t pull me in. I think the font is a bit too loud, especially with  the gradient red. I also can’t see your lovely name! I like the image just fine, but the writing over it doesn’t seem very cohesive. I think it’s just too busy and crowded looking since the font itself has so many swirly bits on it? That’s just my first impression. [4/10]

Description/Summary:

The summary needs some work. It’s short, which isn’t a bad thing, and highlights the MC -- this can work when done well.

I think introducing a character as dumb is a little bit like shooting yourself in the foot. “Dumb” is so harsh ---- even “foolish” has the potential for growth. I think a change in vocab would help this a lot. You also need to re-read your work. The word lair is used, but I think it was meant to be liar? For example: “but not every lair knows how to lie…”

Parts were just confusing. I have no idea what “she will put her hands and fire” was supposed to mean.

Here is a quick re-write:

Delilah is a foolish, naïve, and manipulative liar. She is a woman who doesn’t care who she hurts; so long as she gets what she wants. She burns everyone she touches.

But not every liar knows how to lie.   [2/10]

Chapter Review:

So I read your first chapter, and it needs a LOT of work. There are quite a lot of inconsistencies. In the first half she reveals that she is fifteen, but then she and the stranger discuss her being seventeen?

Overall it's very messy writing.

For example:

“I didn't want him to see that i5 was crying

and covered my face with a pillow, after almost 7 minutes of pain and somewhat pleasure the stranger finally got off me.

"It's finally over," I thought to herself.”

There’s a typo in the first line, and a shift in perspective in the last. It should be “I thought to myself.”

I think your plot is very original. The character is written to be selfish and defiant, which I like. I think people are complicated, and her story and monologue reflect the different levels of someone’s individual voice.

However, it’s very badly edited.

Thoughts don’t need quotations. You need to decide if it will be present tense or past tense, and follow that. Punctuation is a really big issue throughout the first chapter.

You should take a look at the clubs/forums and look into different methods of editing. It’s very difficult to read and focus on the story with so many errors. [1/10]

Activity of the Writer:

There isn’t any comments on this book, but you’ve got a decent reads/vote ratio, and you reply to comments on your board. [8/10]

Plot:

The pacing is very fast with very little character development. It’s difficult to get a feel for the plot because of how quickly it moves. I think the ideas are quite original, but it hasn’t been executed very neatly.  [3/10]

Overall Impression:

Your book needs a lot of editing. You’ve got an interesting idea there, but it’s just too messy. If you take the time to re-read, and clean up the chapters, it could be a lot better. I’m going to give you a 3/10 overall. You get points for originality and the lack of clichés, but it’s just too difficult to read the book.

Overall Advice:

Edit. Writing is about so much more than just getting the words on the page. Clean up your sentences, define your characters, and make sure you re-read your work. I’d highly suggest checking out the forums and clubs. I also think there needs to be a content warning. Sex and sexual assault can be very triggering for readers, and I think they should be given proper notice since you include sex with a minor and attempted rape.