Reviews [CLOSED]

Unmasked Secrets

Reviewed by: faithavelina

Author: FutureWritterLA

Cover:

So the  absolute first thing I notice about your cover is the name at the bottom, and I struggle to get past it; did you mean FutureWriterLA? Writer has one ‘t’ but your name has two. Maybe it’s a pun or a joke that I’m missing. But I just look at it and assume someone misspelled their handle, and it’s quite off-putting.

The rest of the design is actually pretty good. The font and the image create a consistent comic book vibe, which is what I believe you were going for when you made it. I’d suggest changing the font for the author’s name to be more like a black marker, quick sketch thing; very simple, to really drive home the comic vibe you set, in the right bottom corner of the page.

[6/10]

Description/Summary:

You really need to proofread your summary. It’s short, which I like, but the writing itself needs to be reread. Words are missing (for example, “when the city you live in** is filled with more criminals than heroes” or  “it will be a** hard decision to make.”)

I like the idea of a quote at the beginning, but it isn’t written very succinctly, so it doesn’t set a great tone for the rest of the summary. The past is history, the future is a mystery… but it’s the present that could get her killed. (Something with more unf, you know?) Having it be about an imaginary “you” (for example, what else could you expect [...] your own mother assigns tasks [...]) reads really unprofessionally.

The book is about Elene, which you’ve established, so write the summary about her.

[4/10]

Chapter Review:

Chapter one was written fairly well, the dialogue and descriptions blended well, and I could picture it a lot like a movie. Unfortunately, you switched tenses from past tense to present when they start talking about who cleans the toilet. Some editing can clean it up and make it consistent. I think some of the dialogue was really good, and very intense. The bit where her mom is first brought up is really good. But then it seems like the characters, particularly Elene is trying too hard to be funny, and it reads awkwardly.

Chapter two wasn’t as compelling for me. I found the beginning a bit cliched, and got distracted by the grammar issues (guys is plural, guy’s is possessive). The conversation with her mother was a little bit better, and you regained some of the cinematic aspects of chapter 1. You then switch back to past tense as soon as she gets outside, then back to present towards the end of the chapter, so you need to really look out for that. You’ve written “I grab the keys” and then “I ran down and jogged”... pick between past or present tense and stick to it.

The rest of what I read was okay, it was a lot of the same issues I have already spoke to with chapter 1 and 2.

[5/10]

Activity of the Writer:

I really respect and appreciate the way you implement trigger warnings, both in your A/N ans deciding to post them before sensitive chapters. I think it’s really important.

You reply to most of your comments, and you’re active on your board which is good to see. You’re clearly connected to your readers, so that’s awesome.

[10/10]

Plot:

You’ve only got four chapters up, so pacing is difficult to judge. I think you have a good idea, and it’s really the execution that needs work.

The plot by itself is interesting. I was thinking it’d be like Kim Possible or Danny Phantom. If you edit it and commit to improving it, I think you’ve got a good start.

[7/10]

Overall Impression:

I think you’ve got some good instincts. You don’t overuse “he/she said” and you came up with an interesting story. You just need to give it some more time, and a lot more attention.

Overall Advice:

You need to edit. The whole book feels haphazard. You’ve got good ideas, but it is a disservice to you and your readers to post work without editing it carefully. Your description in particular needs a lot more attention and care before it is going to reach its potential.