just fall | ✓

30.

Unfortunately for me, Alexander accepted my offer, and we stepped into the cool night not long after. The air was still warm from the day's heat, but the breeze was blissfully cool, and I welcomed it against my hot skin. We hit the sidewalk and I immediately turned to the left, already planning to take him to the basilica before the fountain. It was a farther initial walk, but the fountain second would mean a faster escape.

We were silent for most of the way, and it was heavy and tense and awkward. I half-hoped that the entire night was spent this way, because suffering through awkward silence was far easier than having to talk to him.

It was not meant to be, because he decided to break the silence a block or so from the basilica. "Why did you invite me?" He asked suddenly. "I thought that you hated me."

"My mother told me to show you the Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore and the Fontana di Trevi," I said stiffly. "She said that if I did not offer, she would on my behalf, and I thought it best to do it myself."

"Ah. That makes more sense." And we lapsed into another silence.

We reached the basilica. Thankfully, it was closed for the night. If it wasn't, he would've wanted to go inside, and it was a massive church. It was beautiful, and I loved it, but I didn't want to explore it with Alexander. That would mean more time I had to spend walking Rome with him as if we were two starstruck lovers, and that wasn't an idea I wanted anyone to have. I didn't need anything more in the tabloids about me and a string of potential lovers. The Italian people had more hope for my love life than my family, and it was best not to toss them any sort of unintentional scraps, regardless of whether or not there was actually something there. 

We stood across the street and admired the church for a few moments before he looked at me like he was expecting me to say something or lead the way, so I turned and started for the fontana.

My heels were starting to make my feet ache, so our pace was slower than I would've liked. I was already sick of playing tour guide.

"How are you liking Rome?" I found myself asking without thinking.

"It's beautiful," he told me. "I've always loved this city. What about you?"

"It feels more like a home than Illéa ever did. I love it here." I looked up at the stars. "I'm glad that Salvatore didn't force me to return to Kent."

Alexander looked like he was in agony, and he didn't speak for several moments. "And have you...have you fallen in love with anyone yet?" It sounded like every word pained him.

"No." I don't know why I admitted it to him. "I haven't felt like it since my last attempt was so disastrous."

"Cassiana –"

"What?" I snapped. "I'm not unbreakable, Alexander, and what you did hurt me more than I can even begin to explain. I've been shot before, did you know that? In the chest, when I was fifteen. There's a scar still. The only reason I didn't die then was because I had a friend whose father had been a surgeon. I had no anesthesia or painkillers, and you know what? That didn't hurt nearly as much as you telling me that you cared about me and then accusing me of sleeping with someone else. It wasn't anywhere close to looking into the eyes of the man I was in love with and seeing that he believed someone that he knew was going to try to sabotage me rather than me." Was. Like I wasn't still in love with him after all this time.

My pace had quickened. I no longer noticed the pain in my feet and ankles, anger and the dull throb of something that once hurt effectively silencing the ache.

"And you think that didn't hurt me?" He snapped, lengthening his stride to keep pace with me. "You think that I wasn't completely fucking destroyed by it? I spent two days awake and going over everything we had been through and wondering if I was insane or a fucking idiot. I told myself I'd wait, I'd put it off until after your birthday and then I'd ask you, and then Celine told my siblings and my parents and there was nothing I could do. I had to confront you like that, I had to go against everything I wanted to do because she told everyone. Nothing is worse than standing in front of the woman I love and hearing her tell me that she's leaving me forever. Did you know that I came to the airport to try and see you one last time and you were already gone? Did you know that I stayed in bed for a week and just cried? I did nothing. I couldn't get up. I only ate when Clara came to my room and forced me to. It took Aquia and Blossom and Zaltana forcing their way into my room and dragging me out of bed for me to do anything. I'd stopped taking my medication. I gave up the Selection. It felt like I'd stopped breathing when I lost you."