Found

~ Chapter 14~

After the two had stopped throwing food around at each other, a break ensued, before the large clean up, which regrettable including Lapis. There was ice cream and bits of other food scattered everywhere. Peri put on music that didn't seem to bother anyone, and they all set to work, still at times flicking ice cream at each other. Lapis ended up focusing to much, sometimes not noticing when she was hit with any of it. It was a long job, four hours of the day going to cleaning, and everyone slightly shaking from having to scoop and clean it up. Peri leaned against Lapis, her eyes half opened and droopy, and yawning quite a bit. Lapis laughed and rubbed her, the goosebumps on Peri's skin giving Lapis have a weird sense of pleasure from rubbing her hand over them.

Lapis picked up Peri, helping lean her into herself and waved bye to Mr. Pewter. He said nothing but gave her a satisfied look, and turned back to detailing some areas they missed. Peri looked up after Laps sleepily.
" Lapis.. I know it's our date day.. but I'm so tired now.. the old man always seems to drain me whenever I go to see him.." Peri yawned. " I swear he is a vampire.." She tripped a bit, causing Lapis to grab her and hold her up more.
" Well it seemed like you had a blast, Little Librarian." Lapis softly said, trying to keep her voice calming, wanting Peri to stay low on energy, since she herself was tired as well. Soon enough they were able to get back to the apartment, and into Peri's room. Lapis let her flop onto the bed, and followed right after her, after setting everything down and changing the screensaver on her phone to a new photo.

Peri woke up and looked around. She rubbed at her eyes and looked over at Lapis, who seemed to still be sleeping. She smiled and laid back down, closing her eyes and pressing her body up against Lapis's. Peri made a mental joke to herself about them both being clothed while in the bed together. Lapis turned to Peri, still asleep and hugged her close, burying her nose into her cleavage. Peridot blushed a deep red, but moved her arms to her back, resting them. She hesitantly kissed Lapis on the head, instantly becoming proud of herself for achieving a small goal. It wasn't long till Lapis stirred and looked up. She yawned and laid her head back down,but kept her eyes open.

" Hello hon." Lapis said sleeply.

" Hey there, did you sleep well?" Peri had gave her a short glance when Lapis spoke, but went off to staring into space, something she had ended up doing as she waited for her to wake up.

" I did yes, is everything ok? Seems you have something on your mind." Lapis raised herself up onto her shoulder, and waited calmly. Peri sighed, and that indicated to Lapis that it might be a heavy conversation. She sat all the way up, making Peri look at her. Once again another sigh was heard before she started talking.

" Now I don't want you taking this in the wrong way, but why do you think that its sad when someone dies? Like why is it that its such a bad thing?" Peri said looking around the room as she spoke. She noticed a confused look on Lapis's face. " I just find it weird that some lives aren't really mourned over like others are. Honestly, whether I were to die by my own hand or by natural causes, I would want a happy funeral." Peri had now looked her eyes on her hands. " Like i know the losing part of a death is sad, and people will mourn no matter what, but maybe it could also be like a celebration you know? I uh.. once heard this from a friend of mine, and I still find it funny and hard to understand to this day. His name was... Shane. Yea that's right. He said that he finds nooses beautiful. Crazy right? I asked him why and he really didn't give me a straight answer, besides a lyric he wrote, going like this; 'I'm not talented, I'm actually fucking useless, tie this noose around my neck and make some improvements.' And after you saved me, It kinda made me think alot about in the spare time I had to myself. The little that I did have hehe." Peri chuckled, so lost in her train of thought, that she didn't notice that Lapis was quietly crying. her hand over her mouth as she listened to her girlfriend. " I guess what he meant by that was kinda like hanging yourself can make improvements, good or bad. Failing the attempt and learning to become stronger after that experience, or dying and having left everything that you have ever fought for and earned. I- I know this is a huge jumbled mess right now, and please don't think there is another suicide attempt coming, because there isn't. I just really think that I am missing alot of things in life, hell in my own mind even. I'm scared of death, but seemed to crave it. I wanted someone to help me find my motivation to continue, but it seems I was just too blind to see it for myself. And now that I have that portion of love, I feel like it will be taken away from me, because I don't deserve it." Lapis sat there sobbing quietly and muffling her breathing with her arm, trying her best to fight the urge to hug Peri and bawl. She had never dealt with a topic so heavy, and especially not multiple ones at a time. But she kept going, wanting to her everything Peri had to tell her.

" And that's something else too, not deserving love. I don't even know where I thought of that, but I did. I once heard from an old audio log I found on Fusetube one.. aggrhh.. I forget the name of the guy, but either way he was saying it was crazy that we call it falling in love, instead of rising in love. Like why do we say that when falling hurts so much? Is that why love hurts? He talked about how it was madness to commit ourselves to someone like that. That humans were so quick to fight through pain in order to stay with their loved one. And I can say I agree, but nor do I or I'm sure most people could agree that we don't regret it either. Just like when you hear people say that they would go through hell and back, like you already are! But we just don't see it that way. At least not till it is over. I know this might be alot, and that this is all coming up right after our first date, but its on my mind, and Garnet always told me to talk about these things, so I am. I guess the gist of this all is that I'm confused and terrified that something might ruin this. I don't wanna lose you Lapis. And I think I love you.. I've been falling.. or rising since our first night together." Peri brought her knees up to her chest. " There's too many things I fear and over think that make me feel like we will be taken apart, and seems to scare me more than taking my worthless life." Peri looked up after a few seconds, just in time to see Lapis throwing her wet crying face at her. They both tumbled backwards, and Lapis began to finally start crying loudly. Her body shaking uncontrollably as she breathed in heavily, wanting to say something but unable to talk. What ha happened to Peri to make her feel this way, what could she have gone through, why does she know this much about death, and where did this weird philosophy on love come from? All these and more thoughts ran through Lapis's head while she clung to Peri, who was freaking out and calling Lapis's name, her voice sounding extremely worried. Lapis looked up at Peri, her expression causing another frightened look from her.

" I don't know what the hell you had to go through to be and think the way you do, but please for me, do not kill yourself! Just the thought of you being lowered into the ground scares the absolute shit out of me! I can't bare to think of that, and I hate that you do!" Lapis clung to Peri's shirt, wet from her tears. Peri held Lapis, fighting back tears, losing fast as the trickled down her cheek. " I don't want to lose you either! And I give a damn about what anyone says about love at first sight being bullshit! Because I know that's how I feel! Like it was at first sight once I had you back safe on the balcony! The way you leaned against me, made me feel important and actually wanted for once! And I want to be that person for you! Cause god damn it, I'm rising, falling, whatever the fuck it was that you said about love with you too!" Peri was taken by surprised that. Her fears flowing just as much as Lapis's. She tried speaking, opening and closing her mouth, but nothing came out. Lapis buried her face back into Peri's shirt, bawling and shaking. Peri held her close, squeezing her eyes shut. She could faintly hear Lapis saying something, but wasn't too sure what it was. She listened closely, through both of their sniffling, coughing and crying, she finally heard what she was saying.

" I love you. I love you. I love you. God damn it I love you. I love you."