corinna's little sister » david dobrik

twenty two » resolutions

tell me all this fighting has a meaning
'cause i can't find a point of what we've done

if you care enough you better leave me
'cause baby i don't like what i've become

"What the hell are you doing here?" David asked after he got dressed and I retrieved Toby from his bedroom. He opened the door with tears streaming down his face, but they dried up the second he saw his older brother standing in the hallway. It made me feel like a slightly less horrible babysitter.

"God, your parents and sisters were going to appointments and a show, or something. He asked me to babysit the Tobster for the night."

"First of all, never say that again," he laughed, eyes flickering between me and his little brother, who was playing on an iPod but most definitely listening.

"What are you doing here?" I stopped him from continuing. I didn't want him to be cute; I wrote him a breakup letter for a reason. I wasn't about to fight the same fight over and over again.

"What do you mean? You wrote me some letter and left and thought I wasn't going to come after you?" he looked at me like I was stupid, and I rolled my eyes, burying my face in my hands. I took a few deep breaths and finally looked up to see Toby staring at me, a curious look on his face.

"Toby, wanna go to the park? You can play on the playground," I asked, not waiting for an answer. He was still in his day clothes, since he never quite made it to the shower, so I scooped him up off the floor and left David stumped at his dining table. He followed after me, like always.

"How are we getting there?"

"The Sub, dumbass," I pointed to my old black Subaru Forester, already equipped with a booster seat for Toby. I let him buckle himself up and forced David into the passenger seat, even after he complained.

"But your driving is so bad!"

I genuinely couldn't remember the last time I had driven him, but it had to be sometime in high school when Corinna had placed me as the designated driver and I had to pick up all of her shitfaced friends. He only knew what he learned while drunk and yelling for me to turn Bohemian Rhapsody up.

I drove us to the closest park and let Toby roam free, leading David to one of the benches where I could watch over him. I didn't want Toby to hear my swearing, and I knew I was about to unleash the beast.

We sat silently for a few minutes before I finally spoke up. "What are we doing, David?"

"You tell me."

"I did tell you," I snapped. "I wrote you a very well worded letter that it seems you didn't read. So maybe my question should be what are you doing?"

"I just don't understand," he turned to face me, but I stayed straight ahead, watching as Toby played on the seesaw by himself. I like to think that he wasn't bored playing alone, and that he wasn't running around just to humor me. "I was an asshole when we were younger, and I get it. I totally, one hundred percent understand. I know that I hurt you over and over again, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. It was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it. What I don't understand is why it isn't working now."

"David," I huffed and tried to keep the tears from showing up in my eyes. I was a little bitch, and when I got emotional, it was hard to keep myself from crying. "I feel like we've had this same fight a hundred times. I feel like I've told you over and over why it won't work, and you won't fucking listen."

"Just tell me again," he placed a hand on my bare thigh. He was practically begging when he added the quiet, "Please?"

"All my life, I've been doing things for you. I just wanted to make you proud of me; I wanted to make you happy," I explained, the tears freely flowing now. "I have planned my days around you, so you'd see me and think about me and regret what you did to me. It was a shitty mentality to be in. When you moved, I found myself getting better, but when I came to LA, I just got back in the cycle of worrying what you thought about me. I couldn't get dressed without wondering if you'd like it. It was pathetic. I can't live like that anymore; I can't live constantly worrying about you when you don't even want to be with me."

"But what can I do to make it better without us not being together?"

"We're not together either way!" I burst out, blushing when a soccer mom glanced our way. Bitch. "Do you not get that? You don't want to be with me because you're scared of what your fans might say, or you're waiting on Liza to get back together, or— I don't even know why. Explain that, if we're talking. Tell me why the fuck you can't be with me after I've literally sold my soul to you."

"It's so complicated, and—no, don't roll your eyes," he snapped. "I heard your bullshit excuse; you can listen to mine."

"Oh, fuck you—"

"It is so complicated because I know you think you know how crazy my fans are, but you have no fucking clue. It's been seven months for me and Liza to get over it, but it feels like we've only been broken up a month for our fans. You will get hate messages and death threats and shit like that every single second of every single day for the rest of your life," he explained. "You will be bombarded by people who suddenly want to talk to you and people will think I cheated on Liza with you—"

"That doesn't even fit the timeline."

"Could you shut the fuck up?" he half laughed and I nodded, a small smile making its way to my face. "That being said, if you want to deal with that, cool. That's fine. I will fucking ride into the storm with you if that's what you want, I will. You say the word and I will tell everyone I've ever met that we're together; I will post our fucking sextape as the next vlog for Christ's sake. I want to be with you, but I don't think you know what you want as much as you say you do."

"I don't. Know what I want, I mean. I don't know. I don't want to feel like this anymore, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I don't know, I just—" I hiccuped, leaning forward to rest my head in my hands. David wrapped a protective arm around my body and pulled me against him, rubbing his fingers up and down my sweater clad side. "Why can't I just be normal? Why do I constantly seek your fucking approval? Why can't I just love myself?"

"Shh," he whispered, leaning on top of me to cover me from onlookers. The park wasn't that crowded, but that added to the scene I was making. "It's okay, Matilda. You'll learn to. You're so beautiful, not even just your face or your body. You still love me because you have a big heart, not because you're stupid or abnormal. You still love me because you're a beautiful person and you just can't help it."

I didn't answer for a while, letting the sobs wrack my body. Finally, I sat up and looked at David, mascara streaked down my face. He half smiled and used his thumb to wipe it away, only further smearing it.

"I just want to be happy. For once in my life, I want to be happy."

"I can do that for you. Let me help you, Matilda," he smiled warmly at me, and I gave in. I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a long hug. "I love you, Matt. Always have, always will."

I washed my makeup off in the bathroom and brought the Dobrik brothers back to my car. We fastened Toby in his seat first, but when I tried to walk around to get in the car, David grabbed my wrist and yanked me back.

"Yes?"

"Did I come all this way for you to not kiss me?" he raised his eyebrows and puckered his lips. I laughed out loud, pressing a peck to his lips and then wiping mine with the back of my hand like it disgusted me. "Hey!"

The slap to my ass was unexpected, but it did make me giggle. I could tell that's what David was trying to do.

"Get in the car, asshole," I smirked, shoving him backwards. "But I do love you."

"Love you too, princess," he grinned.

"I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad you touched her butt, David! You're gonna get in so much trouble!"

this song was on catfish and i looked it up bc it was so good and it literally made me cry and i knew i had to link it lol