Layers of Insecurities

Chapter 1

Beep! beep! beep! the one sound I dreaded the most every morning, groaning I turn myself over to shut the darn alarm that I have to force myself to set every night before bed. staring at the alarm clock with annoyance I have realized that it is only 6:30 am, I still have lots of time before my new school starts. I went to the bathroom and brush my teeth and comb my long bronze hair, I put on my black hoodie and black joggers and head downstairs for breakfast.

"Morning everyone" I said as I head downstairs to the kitchen, mom, dad and my brothers were sitting in the dinning table, when they all replied. "would you like some cereal?" mom ask her face filled with concern, "honey, you know you must eat something ?, today is your first day at the new school." dad joins as soon as my mom finishes her sentence, while my brothers just nodded and smile, this is the last day together since they are going to universities. Giving them a small smile I decline instead I took an apple and eat it. 

If you are wondering why my parents are so concern about me not having breakfast, it is because I have stopped eating breakfast, lunch, and even dinner, why ? you ask because at the age of 11 having people constantly remind you of how fat and ugly you look every single second can really damage your mental health, I only eat once a day. it all started when I was 10.

flashbacks 

"Tulip would you mind coming to my office ?" the principle called smiling as I stared at her with confusion plastered on my face, not saying a word as I nodded and followed her.  As we made our way to her office I was overwhelmed of how she is all giddy up. as I made myself comfortable in the chair, she stared at me with a proud look and said, "well tulip your teacher and I have decided that starting from tomorrow you are going to be in the same class as your brother" shocked was I felt, before I could utter a word she proceeded and said " well I looked at your performance and your grades and your performance can surpass a grade 5 student. so your teacher and I have decided that we should put you in a class that matches your performances" after receiving the news, I went on about my day. before I knew it the time has come and school have ended. 

On my back home I was debating on whether I should tell my parents, but of course the look on their faces says it all they knew it, so I thought that I shouldn't mention this since they already knew. During dinner I ended up blurting everything to my family my brother on the other hand was very happy, that was the total opposite reaction that I thought he would have make.

The next day came and I am very excited to start class with my brother but I was also feeling very nervous, since my brother were very popular he also hung out with a lot of people, as we got into class he started to introduce me to his friends, I am familiar with most of them already but I always have trouble trying to befriend that one and only group which is the queen bee and her pest. being who I am I start a conversation with them, everything seems normal at first and I actually made a friend on my first day in my brother's class which very quickly became my best friend, her name is Lina. 

Months after I started the class the queen bee and her group have started to say mean things and throw papers at my head without my brother knowing, the queen herself was named Beth, and her pest were all named Lexi, Rachel, Liza, and Ria , Beth was the tallest of them all, her eyes are hazel brown while her hair was curly pitch black, Lexi was the baby of the group she was the youngest she has black eyes, baby doll lips and tan skin, her hair was straight and she is the least meanest ones, Rachel was the warrior in the group her face was very structured, she has a very light brown eyes, fair skin and plump lips, and she always put her hair in a ponytail, Liza was the model of the group even though she was the second tallest but her face was so barbie like, in such a young age everything about her screamed barbie, last but not least was Ria I've known Ria first but she decided to backstab me and spread rumors about how I talked about her squad nevertheless she was still pretty, she has shiny dark wavy hair, fair skin, black eyes , and full lips she is beautiful I have to admit but her personality isn't.

Everyday I would walk into my classroom with a note inside my locker and desk that tells me how ugly I am, and how that I shouldn't even relate to my brother that I was such a disappointment to my family, one thing that got was when she said that my brother was embarrassed that I was his sister. One day it was during P.E when I went to my locker and took out my P.E uniforms in our School there was no keys to lock it due to some reasons, but after I changed to my P.E uniforms I kept my clothes in the locker but when lessons ends they took my clothes and threw them In the trash bin, I was left with no clothes but to wear the sweaty and gross P.E uniform. 

The next day , I have always carry a pin which was the last gift that my grandfather gave me, I always have it with me. lunch came the groups shove me against the bathroom stall and took my pin, Beth smirked and looked me In the eyes "look what we have here, a pin that little tulip loves" after finishing that sentence, she held the pin up high and smashed it while the groups holds me back, the pin was a costumed made one, it was a flower that is tulip just like my name she stepped on it causing it to shatter, with all my strength I pushed them and kneeled on the ground collecting the pieces, not until someone kicked me in my side which causes me to scream, they continued to kick me until I passed out, the last thing I heard was my best friend screaming for me.

The next 4 years was hell, I never once mentioned about getting bullied to my parents only Lina knew, I didn't bother telling anyone because I don't see the point, during those five years I have distance myself towards my families, my friends and I even tried to self-harmed which I did, because thats the only way I know how to cope with my depressions, my best friend was still with me she comforted me when I get my panic attack and try to stand up for me, but I told her not to cause I didn't want her to get involved, I never understood why they hated me but sometimes you just gotta live without the answer. 

But what comes next was about to change my life, I never had a problem with fish I think they are cool, but then they did it, they hit me in my stomach they were smart about where they hit me they never hit me where it can be easily shown, the girls take turns to hit me while the others hold me, I was never pretty I was very short coming to 5'4 at the age of 16, and I was very chubby since I was little, but since the abuse got me I started to stop eating, but instead I only eat one meal a day so I lost a significant amount of weights which makes me weak because my body can't cope with the sudden change. After they beat me and cut my temple they locked me in the staff room which was very small and two person can barely fit in here, this time they went over board even to cutting my face leaving a scar that reminds me of them on my temples, they locked me up and poured live fish on me, to make It worse the light was dimly lit so I can see the fish dying and fluttering around, that really did traumatized me. Eventually the principle found out where I am and ask me how long as it been going on, can't hold no longer I began to tell her everything they did. They got kicked out of school, my parents and brothers all came and comfort me and saying sorry that they didn't know that they should've payed more attention. I didn't blame them because I wished I had told them all this time, mom came in crying and soon after I started crying too and eventually pass out from the events and the beating they gave me.

 After that incident my parents were very attentive to me but I shut everyone out and whenever I sleep I still see those image of the fish dying and drying on me, safe to say I was forever be traumatized, never again I can love myself, never again I would fully trust someone, never again I would show my emotion and that was a promise I made to myself.

and that had added Layers to my insecurities .

authors note : hello dear readers, I hope my  first story is not boring you at all, the next chapter would be out soon and I promise its not just flashback this time I just wanted to give you guys an Idea why tulips is such a closed of person and what she have been through made her what she is today. as a newbie here I hope you enjoy my story and vote for me, if you have any suggestions or advice please comment.