Unofficial Couples Ü

STAGE 2 - Attachments.

Stage 2 - Attachments.

                What is attachment? Attachment is a state of binding oneself with personal ties and bringing oneself into association with another. I believe it occurs in all relationships, when there is discomfort and fear of simply being in the moment- a fear of the unknown and of losing the love we feel. This fear propels us to attach to our partner.

As we attach emotionally, we rely on our partner (what they say or do) to make us happy. Even though we think we are becoming closer, we are losing who we are in the context of our partner. I sometimes think of attachment as proximity. If relationship were a camera, with love we'd be in focus; when attached we are so close that we become blurry. Attachment manifests as grasping, controlling and being jealous. When we feel attached, we usually act and speak negatively to our partner. Attachment fuels emotional dependency on our partner, making us enmeshed and codependent.

With attachment there comes a tight sense of urgency, as if things are not and will not be okay... unless someone or something else changes. We react and our partner's smallest gesture and word threatens us, torments us, burns us. As a result, attachment fuels abuse, revenge, and manipulation. When attached we have a selfish focus, wanting that which benefits me, mine and my agenda. We fail to see that it is our own clinging to our partner, the relationship and our ego self that creates our misery. Charlotte Kasl writes, in her book, If the Buddha Married, "In relationships people become attached to praise, validation, sex, security, status and affirmation of their worth. Sentiments like, “You make me feel so bad” or 'You make me feel so good' are both forms of attachment because no one can make us feel secure and our partner is not here to tell us we're okay. This doesn't mean that loving couples don't validate or give support to each other, it's that they don't depend on it from their partner."

                Not wanting to be separated from someone or something.

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/articles/love-attachment/