Still You (ZhengKun)

[18] Zhengting's POV

I’m sitting alone in my dining area, staring at my food when my memories about Xukun flashed in my mind. I miss him. How I wish I can still taste the foods he loves to cook for me, to feel his hug, his presence, everything. How I wish it’s possible for me to miss him without wanting him back.

I left my food and go back to my bedroom, I lost my appetite. I want to cry, I want to shout, I want him back, but I couldn’t. Anymore. I faced the mirror and asked myself, “What if I didn’t fuck up 2 years ago?”

We might still be together now, right? But I shrugged that thought off. At some point, I don’t regret meeting and being with Wenjun. He is such a sweet, loving and a caring man. But then again, I fucked up. I hurt both of them. It’s all my damn fault.

I am physically and mentally drained. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I can still remember the feeling I felt when I first started talking to Xukun up to the last. It was very different. I know we need some time apart, time to forgive and understand each other. I just hope that ome day we found our way back to wach other, if it’s possible, I know we’ll both be better. I hope I could meet him again one day and give him again the best smile I could, but that time, it’s for real. But I know, we’re now both strangers to each other, strangers who used to love each other, strangers who shared memories.

It’s really true. Trust is the most fragile thing that if you broke, you can’t bring back the same trust as it was before. It is easy to break, easy to lose, but hard to get back. I’m so sorry for everything, Xukun. I know this shit doesn’t mean something to you but I’m sorry for the times I lost you, for the times you got so angry with me, for the times I lied to you and for the times we lost. I’m sorry, I’m a big mess. But this big mess loves you endlessly. Now, I know what I’ve lost. Wenjun, I’m sorry too. I’m really sorry for bringing you up to this mess, for breaking your heart, for everything. You deserve nothing but the best and that’s what I wish for you. I am not the best and I know I don’t deserve you.

I sat on the corner of my bed as I opened my Weibo. The first thing I saw was Xukun’s update.

“S-shit. He’s leaving for good?” I said to myself. Am I really ready to let him go? Am I really ready to forget everything? Should I still fight for Xukun?

No. Fuck. I really can’t. I thought I am ready to let go, I though I can, but no. I can’t let him leave. I’ll chase him no matter what it takes. I know deep in my heart there’s still a little bit of chance, there’s still a small fire and I won’t let that fire be gone. I regret the end, the way we left each other with wounds so I’m coming back for you.

I stood up and about to leave to stop Xukun when my phone rang.

“Hello? Is this Mr. Zhu?” A man asks me on the other line and said yes.

“You are the only person on Mr. Bi’s contacts, I want to inform you that he got into an accident and he’s in a critical condition right now.”

My jaw literally dropped. Fuck. Wenjun… what? Why? How? Shit.

“What hospital is he in right now?” I asked and left my house as soon as i got the info.

I’m sorry, Xukun. I’m sorry, Wenjun.