Oblivious (Soonsol/ Hansoon)

Chapter 18

  Under different circumstances, walking up next to Hansol might have been the best feeling in the world.  But Soonyoung remembers why he waded there, which was, in his opinion, because he was messed up and Hansol had to come to his rescue.

  Hansol was already awake when Soonyoung opened his eyes.  He looked like he'd been awake for some time, maybe just watching Soonyoung.  That was embarrassing.

  "Sorry," Soonyoung mumbled when their eyes met.

  "For what?  Hansol asked.

  "For being like this since waking you up.  For making you go out of your way and help me."

  "You didn't make me do anything," Hansol said, moving a little closer and laying a hand on Sooyoung's cheek.   "I want to help you.  Because I love you."

  Soonyoung studied his boyfriend's sincere expression for a second before saying, "I'll never get tired of hearing you say that."

  Hansol smiled.  "I love you!"  He kissed Soonyoung's cheek.

  "I love you, too."

  Hansol grinned wider.  "I love you!  I love you, I love you, I love you!" he exclaimed, leaving a kiss on Soonyoung's face after each 'you.'

  Soonyoung laughed.  "We're going to annoy Junhui!"

  "You know what?  I honestly don't care."  A pause.  "So, I guess you're feeling better now?"

  "Yeah,"  Soonyoung sighed.  "I just want to take my mind off of everything, though.  I don't really want to think at all.  Because every time I think I just. . . Think of what happened."  He wasn't looking directly at Hansol anymore and the mood was considerably darker.  "I don't even know why," Soonyoung went on.  "It was my choice, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I'd let you get hurt.  It's better like this.  But. . . I can't help being scared.  I'm always scared now.  I never used to be like this."

  "It's okay."  Hansol held onto both of Soonyoung's hands and brought them up to where he could see them; showing Soonyoung that he wasn't alone.  "We'll get through this.  Don't worry."

  Soonyoung smiled and made conversation at breakfast, but there was something darker that he was hiding.  Something he hated people to see.  It was like that for the rest of the day.  Sort of like he was afraid of what everyone else would think of him if they saw that he was sad.  It was irrational, but Hansol knew it wasn't his place to tell him what to think.

  It was winter and it was really too cold for anyone to think of going outside, so most of Seventeen was just hanging around the dorms lazily, reading or watching kdramas or anime.  It was pretty boring.   Soonyoung especially hated boredom.  It forced him to think, and these days, thinking about his life was one of the worst things he could do.  Most of the time, you're not sure what to think, but you have strong feelings.  It was the opposite with Soonyoung lately.  He didn't know what to feel.  He was guilty for making everyone else worry, then he was angry at whomever that girl had been who had tried to shoot Hansol, then he was depressed because he hadn't asked for any of this.  It was a mess.
 
  By late afternoon, Soonyoung was about to go out of his mind.  "Can we please do something!?" he shouted, standing up from his position on the couch.  "I can't spend all day trapped in this stupid mind, anyone, just think of something to do."

  Junhui looked up from his phone, surprised.  Jihoon apparently either didn't feel like doing anything, or didn't feel like dealing with everyone's shit today, because he just got up and left, closing the door to his room behind him.

  Jeonghan shrugged.  "There's not really much to do around here."

  A second later, Chan walked in, phone in hand, doing a Vlive.  He talked energetically, responding to the fans' comments.

  "Hey, can we be in it?" Soonyoung asked.
 
  Jeonghan eyed him suspiciously.  "Who said I wanted to be in it?"

  "I did, aren't we all bored?"

  "Yes."

  "Exactly my point."

  Chan motioned for the other two to come closer.  Soonyoung greeted the fans enthusiastically, with a bright smile, as usual.  Jeonghan rolled his eyes and made it clear that all he had wanted to do was absolutely nothing all day, but he was smiling nonetheless.  Judging by the comments streaming by, everyone was still very excited to see Soonyoung healthy and out of the hospital again.  He had given them quite a scare.

  The three boys talked about everything and nothing, answering questions- which were mostly, "Soonyoung, where is your boyfriend, you're so cute together," to which the answer was "probably obsessing over some kdrama somewhere in the house."  For awhile, Soonyoung was able to forget all of his problems and just bask in the loving presence of his Carats.  Everyone was having so much fun that they didn't question why Junhui had put on a playlist of Seventeen songs in the background.  They didn't even notice.  That is, until it was too late.

  Various things triggered Soonyoung's panic attacks.  Loud noises.  Phones ringing, because of that one certain song they were performing when the unthinkable happened.  That one song. . . the exact one that was playing right now.  Jun's eyes widened and he quickly muted his phone, but it was already too late.  Soonyoung had heard that fatal opening sound, and everything around him faded into incoherent forms, fear was all that was left.

  Chan's heartbeat sped up.  "Oh crap. . ."  He dropped the phone with a dull thud and turned toward his friend.  "Are you okay?" he asked.  Soonyoung had dropped to his knees, staring into space, completely unresponsive.  His eyes were blank and he was breathing hard.

  "Shit shit shit, get Hansol!" Jeonghan yelled.  Chan nodded and ran off, leaving Jeonghan and Junhui kneeling next to Soonyoung.

  "I'm so sorry," Jun said, even though Soonyoung couldn't hear him.  "I didn't mean to. . ."

  Chan returned with Hansol, who immediately rushed to Soonyoung's side.  By now, his knees were pulled up to his chest and his breathing was fast and ragged.

  "It's okay," Hansol said softly, pulling Soonyoung into his arms.  He just stayed there, trying to make him feel safe.

  "You're okay, everything's alright," Hansol assured.  Everyone else had left, and they were the only ones in the room by the time Soonyoung became aware of his surroundings again.  His dull eyes came back to life.

  "Hey, you okay?" Hansol asked, brushing Soonyoung's messy hair out of his face.  He hesitated for a moment, looking down.

  "No," he finally replied in a shaking voice.  Hansol waited for a few seconds, but he didn't elaborate.  He wasn't sure if this was good for him, keeping everything bottled up.  That was Soonyoung, he never thought of himself.  He just didn't want anyone to worry about him.  He was practically silent for the rest of the day, but finally spoke again at dinner.

  "It's been so hard lately. . ." Soonyoung whispered almost inaudibly. 
 
  "Hm?  What has?"  Hansol looked up from his bowl of ramen.  Jeonghan glanced at Soonyoung like a concerned parent.

  "Pretending to be okay all the time," Soonyoung replied, not making eye contact.  "I'm not okay.  I'm scared.  But I don't want anyone to know that.  I feel like it's not okay to be scared. . . Like there's something wrong with me.  I just want someone to tell me it's okay not to be okay."

  "Hey, you're right, you're right, you don't have to be okay.  That's fine too."  Hansol reached for Soonyoung's hand across the table, and Soonyoung reluctantly laced their fingers together.

  "Something like this has happened three times already.  Am I going to be messed up for the rest of my life?"  His grip on Hansol's hand tightened and tears started running down his cheeks.  "I don't want to be like this, it's unfair, but there's nothing I can do about it and I think I have a right not to be okay.  I just don't want to pretend anymore."

(A/N: I was out of ideas and I found a prewritten scene in my notebook.  I neither know nor care when I wrote that, this notebook is a godsend.  And omg 1380 words, wow!)