Misted Thoughts

I Fall Apart

I fall apart slowly everyday
For reasons I can't configure
Procured from love, light, and fireflies
Making me dizzy in daylight

I make breakfast every morning to get myself in habit
Of being alone, again.

Its been days that I haven't seen your eyes dance with sunlight
Late nights and websites don't help me get over fake fights
Toodles, is all I say when I mean goodbye

I hate her so much and I can't tell her.
I love him so much and I can't  tell him.
Everything around me is breaking but they tell me to tape it

Keep it together I whisper to myself.
Keep it together, in class rooms doing class boards
In washrooms after break downs
At sundowns and daybreaks
On days when the ache is too much to sustain

Its not okay and I don't know who am I kidding.

I finally know what falling apart feels like when you take away yourself from me.
Its worse than death by cigarettes

I'm tired of screaming without noise
Into voids for you to come back
P. L. E. A. S. E

I'm tired of telling myself that meds take the pain away
I'm tired of being home away from home
Home doesn't feel like home to me
Anymore

My hands want to travel my back and draw new maps with blades
Tear myself apart at every word you say
If it wasn't evident enough
Words don't define emotions.
So I have nothing to say to you

You know how it gets boring when something plays on loop
The memory of me running away isn't boring
The day the strings against your stomach couldn't hold me close enough
It murders me.
Almost.
I wish it would go all the way to pierce my bleeding heart
I've tried so hard to make it work again.

Living without me seems like cake walk.

I don't know who I am anymore.
I've got black parts more than yellow parts and the ratio isn't right.
But my friends are bad at math.
And as far as I remember, you cracked calculus in 9th grade

I'm sorry I could only be black parts and yellow parts, black more than yellow, even though you like red.
I'm weird like that.
I couldn't be everything you needed. Because the ratio isn't right. And I'm bad at math.

I fall apart at every time your eyes lack emotion when they look at me.
With raised eyebrows and a straight jaw.
With a glare that declares:
Fuck off.

So I try.

Let me show you
How living without you is like
I'm the little girl lost in the woods
Attached to these strings that would play at my fingertips
Until suddenly they would mingle together
Some would break the others at the seams
And I can't hold on long enough to anything I start
Is it becoming a habit?

And I don't sleep with two pillows anymore
One to cover my heavy head
Other that I wrap my hand around and swing one leg over
Because velvet doesn't remind me of how strong you were
Imperfect curves at just the right places
Where my little hands could draw pictures
How you would take my heavy head near your heart
And you would take my hands and wrap them around your neck
So that I could support yours

Staying away from you is so important
Because being close to you is not an option anymore

And I feel like running away
But I see your sunkissed face every damn morning
Kiss me.
And hold me
And that's too much to ask for
So I cry me a river.