Misted Thoughts

Slow Pain

These sweet songs will never know
What my melancholy heart feels
At every beat, at every tap of music it shares
With me; I know they carry messages.
They carry what  you and I couldn't
Say to each other in the words
We would spare for the other till 12 in the night.
They represent what  we felt in that same moment
When the tune touched our souls with its clasped fingers
Around our hearts; what belonged to you was mine
As was I, yours.
How they would let us know what it felt like being in
Absolute; Utter; Complete; Infinite
Love.
One two three four five six seven eight nine...
Stop. Skip. Repeat.
All those words mean so much more now
Now that...well you're gone.
Now that I've lost you, I never noticed all the little things you'd meant then.

All these words ring my ears night after night
They're like the background music to that memory : 13/04
And I don't just cry. And i don't just fall asleep.
I don't, till all of it pounds in my ears,
Punctures into my soul
And bleeds out of my heart.

I don't show much of what I'm made of.

But in those months, when you thought you knew me.
When I thought I knew you.
You might have guessed how chipped I can be at the seams.

Don't look at me like that. Your eyes carry as much depth as the oceans I've cried for you.
Mostly. More.
And I've been trying to search myself into those oceans for so long now
Thinking I could drown once again.
Even if it swallows me whole again.

So I take time in talking, gulping down more water than I'm supposed to
It does a shit job at calming me down.

And don't look at me like that
Words I sing, words I sing could be for you.
But no, don't try and configure them in your head
I'm afraid you might just know what Im made of.