Misted Thoughts

The Only Time I Find God

I think I blame you for how I am today
Short tempered
Losing my patience at every breathe you take
Every joke, every scar you make.
You've always tried to be the better one out of us both
You've never seen me as family
But as competition
Someone who is a necessary opponent to beat
To gain the respect of those who don't have time to give some to themselves
Consider yourself either blind or foolish if you think that way, though
You've spent nights waking up with me when they don't care
So don't tell me, you do.

Every time your hand has come out to choke my words
My thoughts
My love
For you, has only made me a stronger person.
Its made me stronger, smarter and someone who doesn't dwell on people like you.
Every time you've painted me in blue, red, pink
Making me your stinking color palette
And everytime I've tried to speak something against you
You've made me choke on my own tears
Spit venom for you, swallow, color my throat green.
Curbed my every spirit, fixed me on a wall and told me to behave
A showcase, a barbie on a cupboard
Bullied me for money, bullied me for survival.
Mostly mine

I wish you could see you're lucky
Pampered
A boy in a patriarchy
The only light to lead.
So many lies they've lived in, but I'm not going to be the one to burst their precious little bubble.
You will.

Even though I'm the first born
Even if my name is up on that book
Inside their hearts, joined to their dreams
My strings attached to their fingertips
You're the one they love the most.
Because everything they do will never be enough for you
You'll never understand how they whine for your love, for your gratefulness.
Some thought. Some care.
Something. Anything.

Give me a break.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
I considered you my only family
You were the only one to know everything about me.

And then I stopped. Right in the middle of the tracks
Smack dab in the face of reality
With the slap of my conscience that you gave me.

My freedom has become more important to me than anything.
He doesn't understand why money is more important than family
Why family is something I'm never going to learn to accept
Why the corners of my eyes are teary
Broken lenses don't differ any more.
Because the only family  I had
Was lost at the age of 10.

Never try to find me when I get lost.
I'm already running away from you.
Never try to call me when I'm gone.
I'm already blowing with the wind
Never try to kiss me to sleep
I'm already crying myself to it.
Never try to hug me with love.
I've already lost yours.
You've already lost mine.
And you're never getting it back.

You learn not to expand, breathe, elevate
You learn to put me down, debate
It out, every thing becomes your playing field
It doesn't work like that in the real world.
Stop talking. Listen. To everything they say.
Atleast them if not me.

Who's the champion? Not you.

But who am I to give you any advice
Ever or anymore?
LivE and LeT LivE
For God's sake.