Misted Thoughts

5 Am

5 am
If years ago
When i was a girl of about let's say
Six or seven
You would come to my bedroom at 5 am to find me already awake
Not because I haven't been sleeping
But because, going to school was as exciting
As coffee milk shakes on hot summer mornings
Or warm blankets in the dead of winter
That daily routine never bored me
Already up and running
I would race my brother to the washroom.
And in the haste and excitement
I would forget to either
Wear my socks or
Tie my hair or
Forget lunch for the day
Though I would always remember to keep the door keys
Because every single day I wanted to show
My mother that I was a grown up lady.
Old enough to handle my own life
Ironic isn't it?

If years ago
When i was a girl of let's say
About 10
You would come to my bedroom
To find me sleeping at 5 am
Because the nightmares of death haunted me
I never wanted him to die but
It was never an option for me.
Every single night I would think over and over and over of how it happened.
Although I did not know why
I never had the courage to ask dad
Why his dad left the world so soon?
I never got time with him. I miss him.
I know he's a star now
One shining the brightest out there in the universe
To tell me to chase my dreams
To tell me I'm enough for myself
And he would smile that wrinkled smile of his
With a cigarette in hand
Never make smoke a friend
Because it never will be.
If at 5 am, you would come to my bedroom
You would've found a blue here
A black there
A purple too somewhere
Scars more than colors on my body
That he painted
And i would scream into the night for healing
A little more healing from his bruises

If years ago
When i became a woman of about
Let's say 13
You would come to my bedroom
To find me sleeping
Again
It was a time when I wanted to get a good night's sleep to endure the next day
Deal with not going to school
Talking to a friend who never was a friend to begin with.
Will we ever be?
The things he said to me
The things I said to him
Are so different. Are miles apart in this spectrum
If uncertainties that I've thankfully decided to life without
A time when I was trying to fight to make my mark
A time when I was trying to fight to make friends
A time when I didn't want to wake up
A time when hearts started to break ever so slowly
Glass shards piercing my skin to write
Worthless
In ever nerve of my being
I would sing to him, songs he would never want to listen
I would talk to him, jokes he would never want to hear
I would play with him, a game at which he always won.
Why again, remind me, did I do that?

If months ago
When i was a woman of
Let's say 15
You would come to my bedroom
To find me wide wide awake
Talking to the only angel on Earth
Someone who set my whole body on fire
Someone to whom I promised my heart
Someone who promised me his
And we would talk till daybreak
Till we would break
Into a million little infinities of our own love
Months ago, was a time when I lived a life of happiness
Of no care because what do I worry about
When he was there?
Tightly holding my sweaty palm against his soft strong ones
Hugging me till I would stop believing in insanity
Caressing me with every inch of his to every inch of mine
I was his in every way you could think
And I wanted him to be mine the same
Months ago, if you would come to my bedroom
At 5 am
You would be surprised to see magic take birth
With two bleeding hearts aching to see the other
From exactly the opposite sides of the city
The only faith we had was in the breath of our body
And the sky under which we lay
The stars and the clouds
Were not so far away
As we were from each other
And maybe at 5 am in my bedroom
I made my life more than
Mere survival
He made me believe in things I thought didn't exist
For a million years
Like love and care and our own little infinities
He makes me belive in those things still
But did I never do the same?
Because as far as I know, I wasnt enough magic for him

And now
When i am a girl of
16 years, 5 months and 12 days.
If you come to my bedroom at 5
In the morning
You will find a girl losing out on
Everything she ever dreamt of
Losing out on people she wanted to keep forever
Holding onto others with the breaking  seams in her heart
Memories that refuse to leave her mind
Every single day play like songs she doesn't want to hear
And what's worse is, she cannot stop
Her mistakes are what her heart carries now instead of
Love
You will find a girl
Drowning in her own tears
Bit by bit
Sinking and muffling her cries into pillows until
Sleep overcomes her tired body
To give her some relief
Making her ready for another day of
Survival.