Dear Diary...

august 4

It's 12:45am I just decided to switch the notes. It's probably gonna be a hard day on the sixth at least for me but I'm working so I could definitely shift my focus. I'm realizing that I'm just a bundle of emotions and it's only because I've suppressed them for over 16 years on the planet I'm definitely still trying to adjust and I refuse to let these issues get my greater good.

All I keep thinking about is how you said the physical doesn't mean much. Yet how do you know you felt nothing when you kissed Cat. How would you know you feel nothing at all. You feel enough of a connection to her to kiss her. You feel enough of a disconnect with us to wanna do it and to even be able to do it in the first place. Your mind is 25% in it but why be in it at all. Your soul is 0% and that matters but it doesn't matter as much if everything isnt aligned you cant be with me and be with her. You can't have both its either one of the other and I wouldn't be mad if you chose her because I wouldn't take your life away for my own selfish gain.

Have you taken her places you've taken me? Like our tree? Or fort washington. Do you think about her when we're together? When we're loving each other do you wish you were loving on her instead.

These questions get weirder and weirder but shit I'm still gonna ask them. I'll be going now until like the am it's currently 1:04pm goodnight/morning.

Right now it's 10:41am I just woke up and that pretty cool with me. I'm feeling weakness in the physical sense and I'm not exactly sure why but I'm up and ready for the day. I may just lay back down I don't know. If I had a dream I cannot remember it. I just wanna get through the day without being upset about things. Anyways there's not much I have to say at this very second.

Would you have told me that you kissed her and that she kissed you if it meant something? Although you should have told me regardless.

Do you feel bad about it at all when it comes to me? What didn't stop you? You wanted to kiss her didn't you?

I don't know if I'll be upset forever or just forget it altogether but I don't understand. How could you do that to me? To us? I kept telling you you weren't a bad person but you are. For doing this to us for doing this to me? I really hate the way I feel I hate that I feel like you're losing my trust. I don't wanna be attached if you're not right. If you go on a venture to find out why you arent in this universe with her. I don't like it. It makes me feel like absolute crap. It hurts that in this time is where I'm thinking of all of this the most when I should be able to focus on myself. Because that's the whole point of this time apart. I don't know I just hate everything right now. Because I'm sad and dissatisfied and disappointed. Shit hurts like hell.

Our story keeps going regardless. With or without each other. Not that I'm a fan of being without you but it's the truth. Once we're gone from the earth we're likely to meet again and the story will still go on. I love the pages that I have of all of our good times and all of the growth but parts of the stories like these where there's a problem I just wanna burn them to dust. You came into my center and you changed me all to become someone I don't really know in this time frame. Some parts of you are still there and other parts are somewhere else. You can be right next to me and I don't feel you at all. I want your mind with me not in the jazz room not on catalina. But with me with us at least in the moments that we're together. You're gonna have to earn my trust because I don't know if I should believe you right now. But I do still care for you. I can say I love you as well but when I present myself to you I don't think I'm giving those words up so easily.

It's funny to me to think that I'll act before I can think. And then when I think about what I've done I wish I could tear out that page or revise it to make it better. I need to just breathe for a minute or two before anything else can happen.

Ive been at work and I've just been staying focused these weeks will go by slow but fast as long as I keep myself occupied. I'm trying to have a healthy body along with a healthy mind I'll get to leave 3 hrs from now but I kinda don't wanna be here at all. I don't mind being here because it keeps my mind off of things.

I'm done with work for the night and I'm on my way home. I'm so very tired I really debated coming to your house and that's not natural. At all. The night ended with me sleeping on the couch.