Dear Diary...

august 5

Today so far is disastrous. I woke up and all I could think about is what happened a week ago today. Although I didn't know a week ago today I know now. And my stomach hurts super bad. I just gonna hide in a cave and cry but I can't because I have to be as strong as I can be. *Why did you kiss her? Why did you let her kiss you? Why let me find out the way I did? Get mad at me for the way I reacted. You had so many opportunities to tell me I just don't get it. You said I had all of you now I barely have anything or at least that's the way it feels.* The soul is the strongest point but why aren't you aligned with everything when it comes to me. I don't wanna be a second choice. I don't wanna be stuck in the middle of this. This hurts a thousand times more than anything else ever could. Today and tomorrow will damn sure be difficult but at least I have work tomorrow.

I wish I could burn all of this from my brain. You did something wrong. And you'll take responsibility for it. I'll come back this time. But I don't think it'll be so easy for a next time. So choices need to be made wisely. I will come back, but I'm not touching you for a while I'd respect space. Hug me if you want. Go ahead and kiss my forehead or cheeks but don't touch my lips don't look forward to intercourse. Because I'm definitely with none of it. The physical means as much to me as the soul and the mental because it's the way we are in this world and for this to be infinite our souls need to be ours maybe need to separate for a while because I'm hating everything right now. Maybes just a little bit of you maybe a lot I don't actually care because at the end of the day some of its still there.

I'll never forget all your positive attributes. But this bad one makes me second guess. i feel like your trying to use our philosophy to justify your actions and in no way can they be justified. If I were to go and do this to you. You'd likely take this out on me for a long while. So think before you judge me. Think before you do and don't let your penis decide for you. You have all the power in the world to end me and If you do it whether intentional or not you're kinda ending yourself as well. Unless you decide to live a long happy life with Cat.

*Did you spend my birthday with her?*

Um I'm hot. Like severe sweating. Who cares but anyways I'm cleaning up. I keep thinking of you and it's like 4pm whatever you're doing just be smart.

My biggest issue is I only have you and when I'm upset I take it out on you but this time you kinda deserved it.

You said that it would have been worse if it was someone random. Not really I would have been mad but at least I wouldn't have to worry about the simple fact that you work with her. That there's obviously something between the two of you and everyone at your stupid job can see it. Ughh I really hate you right now.

I thought I hated you but that's one a strong word to say especially when you don't mean it but I'm obviously still hurting. I'm getting a grip but it definitely has taken a while and it's been a roller coaster. From now on I wanna be referred to as Sage. That's my name.

I just wanna apologize for biting you because that was definitely out of line. The way I reacted was super uncalled for. I definitely should have just sat you down in the beginning before all of this could have happened. Hopefully that's not something you'll hold against me for forever. But if you do it'll all burn to hell in the end of our physical journey. I've definitely done things that I'm not proud of but that doesn't define my being it doesn't label me permanently. I'm much greater than my flaws.

I will respect the way you move for now on. I'll be by you and at times behind you when I don't wanna watch but you've got me. I vowed to stay forever when I gave my soul away. So there's no turning back now. *All or nothing but ::I'm definitely still an emotional person I will just conduct them in a more productive manner.*::