Stranger

ch26

I had never been a coward.

Whatever that would happen in my life or was thrown my way, I always dived in it straight ahead, head first and never backed down. Notice how I use past tense? Well, that's because this part of me, the strong headed and determined one seems to be in the past now. Because I had become a coward.

It wasn't my fault really. Partially yes, but not all of it. I blamed Devon for the reason I was doing my best to avoid him. Yes, I was avoiding him. Yes, he had noticed. Yes, I did give him a reason that was a complete lie, saying that I was too preoccupied with the Roger situation, when in reality I was a bit, but it had more to do with another thing.

The other thing being that I might potentially like Devon as more then a friend and it scared me. Sue me! I couldn't help it. I did overthink everything and I totally, fully blamed him.

He had become so nice and sweet and friendly and kind and everything you can't dislike in a person. So basically the polar opposite to the guy I actually met and I guess somewhere along the lines my stupid heart jumped on a track it wasn't supposed to. 

So, as the mature and smart person I was (NOT), I was avoiding and pushing all this in the back of my mind, him too. I still spent lunches and classes with him, but I did my best to not pay attention to him as much as I used to. I just couldn't take it. 

Devon had turned into an amazing and caring friend and I couldn't cope with it. He was always thinking of me in the first place, helping me first, making sure I was okay and alright with everything and here I was pushing him away. Sad and pathetic, I know. That's me! 

And, like I said, he did notice. But he also believed me when I lied that my mood and lack of attention had to do with Roger. I wasn't a particularly great liar either, but this time my lie was reasonable and he believed it all to easy, which made me sick to myself of the person I was turning into. I hated who I was turning into so I did my best to stay away.

Three days had gone successfully and I was more than grateful that Devon wasn't pushing it further, asking questions and such. He was perfect, giving me the space that he thought I needed when in fact all I needed was for him to just flip on me and make me dislike him. Impossible, but one could hope for.

When he'd suggest for us to walk home together, I'd find a dumb excuse for everyday and let him go alone because my mind was too clouded around him. I adapted to short amount of times and with distractions, but walking alone, just us, that gave me anxiety just by thinking of it. 

That's why I had been returning home alone, thinking about how to fix this because I couldn't punish him for something he wasn't actually wrong. I had asked him to be my friend, I had given him a second chance and he wasn't taking that for granted as he was doing his best, more than that even, but I still found fault in that too. 

Stupid, I was stupid! 

The ping of my phone drags me out of my thoughts and for a second panic seizes me. What if Devon had written me? 

Grabbing it quickly from my pocket, I look at the screen and relief as well as a hint of disappointment hits me when I see it's just a text from my mother.

-If you can, buy bread on your way home. Mom. x

Great, a longer detour to home it is then. And a lot more thinking to do. 

"Here you go, miss."-the woman at the counter hands me over the change and the bread. With a small smile, I collect them both and step outside. 

The weather has been hot for the past few days, hotter than usual for spring, but today it was cool and nice, the sun not that bright and perfect for walking, but not for surprises. And that's what I get next.