Stranger

ch35

Today was the day.

Devon was going back to his home world and out of my life. And my deep hunch tells me that it's for good. 

Life really is evil sometimes. Throwing different people your way, leaving them around for just some time and, when you want to prepare yourself for their departure, it just snatches them away. That's how I am feeling right now. 

The classes yesterday were a drag as I didn't exchange one word with Devon. With anyone really. Abby tried to force some words out of me, but I just blankly stared at her. My brain was to fried to even process an answer to whatever she was saying or asking or I don't know what, I didn't pay attention to anything. She knew something was wrong, it was obvious because I never stay quiet. 

Devon stayed silent too. He never tried to talk to me, he didn't say anything about me missing a class, didn't seem to be bothered how I got out of each classroom like the school was on fire or how I didn't wait for him to walk home together. 

Everything was too much. It still is. I barely had a couple of hours of sleep and that's only because of exhaustion, nothing else. My mind was boiling with words and voices that I couldn't shut down even when I closed my eyes. 

By midnight I dreaded my reaction and me avoiding Devon. I knew I would, but I tried not to think about it too much. 

It wasn't fair for me to feel like this when he chose to just drop a bomb on me one day before he leaves when he could have said it earlier. I didn't even know for how long he knew this. My guess was a week, but now as I think back I realize he could have hid that for far too long. 

My feelings were hurt. No, they were beyond hurt, but I didn't know how to describe them better right now. What pained me the most was his reaction, how Devon seemed to not be bothered about him going back and leaving me. 

I mean, I am really no one but a friend to him, but I would think I deserved to see some sadness on his face for leaving a friend behind. I thought that was a natural reaction one should have, but I was being proved wrong. 

I was for sure experiencing it and more. Much, much more. I wished I could lock this part of me away and leave it be until it rots and ceases to exist, but I couldn't, unfortunately. I took everything to heart and it destroyed me. 

Mom always told me to learn to let things go and try to detach myself from situations, but I always failed. Every connection was dear to me, every memory was engraved in my soul and every friendship had a place in my heart. 

But nothing until now compared to Devon. And I hated myself for this right now. I hated how I allowed for him to catch hold of such a big part of me that it was literally painful that he was leaving. 

I knew he would eventually go, but I never bared that much mind to it because I thought that I would have time to prepare properly for his send off. This, this way of his departure was like someone was stealing him away and I didn't expect it. 

Standing by my balcony since early morning today, I am waiting for any signs that might come from the house. I don't see much, it still looks the same as it always does and I am afraid that he might have left already without saying goodbye. A part of me doesn't believe this, doubting that he would go in such way, but the other part still fears this. 

Deciding to take action, with a deep breath I whirl around and hurry to my wardrobe. I have to go and talk to him. I can't have him leave on these kinds of terms. For the sake of whatever friendship we had until today, I owe him a proper goodbye. And myself too. I can't live the rest of my life wishing I had done things differently when I can do it right now.