Stranger

ch37

I have become a fucking mess. 

I have always been a messed up version of something, always being a fucking messed up demon or person on general, but this time it has risen to another level. 

If someone told me half a year ago that I would be sitting home, thinking and missing a fucking human, I would have scoffed in their face, calling them crazy and just plain fucking insane. But, that is what I am doing these days and I hate it. 

In all my lifetime I have never had someone affect me in this sort of way. Yes, my mother is always the main person who I'd give my life for and who has a special spot in my heart, if I even have one, but there came to be another being that lighted up my dark soul in a way I couldn't imagine. 

Cheesy, I know, I have become fucking cheesy, but how could I not. Evie has literally been a ray of sunshine in my life and it took me to move away to figure this out. 

She is sunshine by all means. Her bubbliness, her friendliness, her smile, her laugh, her personality in general, even her annoyance, all of her has been a light in my life. I hate that I am realizing this now, I hate that I have to stay away from her and I hate that I know of her visiting the mansion. I went and put up security cameras for this and now I wish I didn't. 

It boils me with rage that I can't fucking simply go there, surprise her, see her because I fucking miss her. Fuck, how I want to see her. Even if she doesn't see me, I just want to see how she's doing. 

The hurt and pain that was written across her face the day I told her I would leave and the actually day of us leaving is the first image that greets me every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. 

Humans develop emotions and feelings, connections with others faster than us, so in a way I was expecting for my departure to hit her worse than me, but I didn't expect it to be that bad. I didn't expect it to be that bad for me too. 

I couldn't even bare to answer her calls. I couldn't read the texts, I couldn't hear her voicemails because I knew the second I heard her voice, I knew it I would go back. She had a hold on me like no one has had before and it fucking pissed me off knowing that a simple human could have such control over me. But she wasn't a simple human, she is far from it. 

It's her smile, the twinkle in her eyes that my mind brings forth when I try to calm myself on my low hours. It's her face, the happiness on it that reminds me of why I am back here. It's the same things that also stop me from going back, even if it's fucking tearing me on the inside. 

It was her hugs that I missed the most. The warmth that radiated from her, the small friendly gesture that broke through to me. She didn't know it, she will never know it, but those were the moments I craved the most these days. And the times we spent, just the two of us. 

Evie liked me. She had become used to me and around me, she had learned all the tricks about how to be with me and I had let her. I had let her become closer than I initially intended, but even though I didn't mind it at the time, I am having it backfire on me now. 

I have become such a fucking wuss on top off everything else.

No one could handle me these days. Pat was constantly trying to spend less time with me because I got off on him for small things, my mom was sending me to my room like I was a fucking child, so it was safe to say that I had become the least pleasant demon to be around. 

I even pissed myself off and that was saying something because I never hate myself to that point. Now however, I do. I hate the thing I have become, but I hate most that I can't change it because it wasn't up to me. The one that could do that was a world away from me.