Delirium: Crash & Burn

Part IV

Evie

The room was foggy and the air was thick, weed and alcohol, typical. The space was too small for the number of people that were in there. The music blared, from the makeshift DJ home system, the waves moved through each cell and bone marrow weakening them at every beat.

Some stood in military stance absorbing each wave of music moving their heads in responsive nods, occasionally lifting a hand or two as a symbol of unified enjoyment. For others, the combination of weed and alcohol had decomposed their physical forms and they lacked the ability to stand, so they lay on the floor.

I stepped over the bodies of the high and drunk teens making my way over to my girls. My girls? Could I really label them as mine, could I really act as though their identities were validated by my presence?

To be honest, there was a pounding thought that they questioned my authenticity and only hung out with me to find out the real truth about me. I had the sickening feeling I was being investigated, snuffed out or whatever.

It was all new to me. The first week of Senior year had been a success to some extent, exactly as I planned it would be. My plan seemed to be working and I was quickly becoming a 'high flyer'. I was officially popular, my name resided on everyone's lips and I could hear people talking about me, asking about me.

"Where is she even from?"

"Who is her dad?"

"She's different."

The questions both flattered and frightened me. In the backs of their minds somewhere they knew I wasn't who I was claiming to be. Their families were built on generations of old money, they had the last names to prove it. But I had become so good at lying I barely felt nervous anymore when people would ask questions.

When the girls and guys in my classes would ask about the boys I've dated, I would list name after name of mysterious college boys. Fabricating the fantasies in my own head into real life.

Last month apparently I dated Jake, Bradley, and Kaleb at the same time. I am a wealthy man's daughter who comes from a family of bankers and investors who has lived in California and New York and who has traveled through Europe over the hot summers.

My mom apparently adores me a showers me with gifts, daily. I have a little sister, who is healthy and well. I allegedly have been scouted for a modeling job that is to start after Senior year. I have it all. Though none of it was true, I hoped that they'd believed it was. Each word, sentence and phrase and they would fall deeper into my lies, believing, admiring, envying.

I was an imposter, a pretender. I wore a crown on my head that I had stolen and my true identity was hidden to the masses. I always dreamed of sitting with the rich girls.

Ever since I was a young girl. I would idolize them, my admiration and adoration was not reasonable and it was a compulsion, an obsession. In school I studied them, the way they walked, talked and acted.

I continued my walk towards the girls; I draped my right hand over my hip as my left-hand held my drink. The girl's sat on the slightly sunken sofa; Casey, Sage, and Anna. Their legs folded in a pretzel-like manner and all with glazed expressions on their faces, however, once they notice me they started waving frantically summoning me to sit down.

Casey had long white-blonde hair which complimented her newly tanned skin. She had a small frame and she was petit in every way.

Sage was slightly taller, she had a short black bob multiple tattoos and piercings, she was intense and intimidating.

Lastly, there was Anna, she was my favourite, she was quitter than the rest. She had red hair and pale skin. She was a classic beauty and stood taller than me. She had a constant intelligent sexy look on her face though I was doubtful much was going on in her head most times.

This was the first party of the year, the first party I was attending as the new Evie. I felt like I was wearing a fake suit, a costume. My blood began to get hot under my skin, I felt myself getting suddenly anxious, feeling out of place.

I hadn't been to many parties before this one, I had a brief idea of how these things worked but I sat there. Unsure and slightly nervous. I tried to look natural like I had been to many parties before but I was fully aware of my stiff posture and my nervousness was tangible.

"Evie?"

I was summoned out of my thoughts by three sets of eyes on me.

"Huh?"

I had obviously missed something, I looked at the girls sheepishly hoping they wouldn't notice my anxiety seeping through my pores.

"I said, Cole didn't call me back last night after he said he would. Should I go and say something?"

There was a pause, a brief moment of silence, I wanted to say something funny and slightly inappropriate but I held my tongue and said nothing.

"I know he's banging someone..."

Sage spoke in a 'matter of fact' tone before letting her eyes graze the room in search of a clue, answer or hint. She looked longingly at the prize pigs in the room, almost selecting and ranking them in her mind.

The girls craned their heads towards me with a synchronized snap. I was sitting at the edge of the slightly sunken sofa. They were begging me to answer, the longing was evident in their eyes.

"Evie, do you know who he could be banging?"

There it was again, why did they think I knew. I barely knew what was going on in my own mind. In my own life. I took in a gasp of air and made a small squeaking sound.

"No."

The answer was short, blunt and completely unsatisfying to the girls. They all looked at each other in confusion, Casey was insulted, but only slightly.

"What is going on with you Williams?"

I wanted to tell them, to air out all of my issues. The issues I have with myself and the issues I had with my dad's suicide. The pressure was building in my head I felt engorged and full, like a hot air balloon.

The words were forming on the tip of my tongue and my mouth was itching in anticipation. I could feel the words slowly taking form in my mouth. I wanted to say it all, but I didn't. I swallowed in attempts to keep my drink down and I subsequently swallowed my words.

"I need fresh air."

In a slow but rushed movement I stood up and headed for the door. I could feel their eyes burning holes in my back. It was like I knew what they would be saying about me, how they would judge me and question if I really was who I said I was. I wondered what my dad would say if he saw me now. A popular, rich girl, his little girl someone who she isn't.

I imagined what he would say if he saw me tonight, tight leather dress, heels so high I could barely walk. I imagined what he would say if he saw how cruel I was to other people in school, how I was now the one who would push and mock others.

I imagined he would knock on my bedroom door and despite my resistance to speak to him he would sit by my bed and say I know this isn't who you really are, I know you, girl.

I felt sick, I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the poison that I had injected into my own heart. I sat down on a hidden bench right at the bottom of the backyard. I hunched over herself, lacking the ability to erect my back any longer. The nauseous feeling in my stomach made me gag and wretch.

Don't throw up, don't throw up.

As my eyes were flickering close and my body started to give way, I heard something. Before I could pass out I was summoned out of my coma-like state and I craned my head upwards to see a pair of bright green eyes.

"Hi."