Delirium: Crash & Burn

Part VII

Harrison

We stood behind a tree in the backyard. My mind continued to revert to the inappropriate ] thoughts of pinning Poppy against the tree. The garden went for acres, hills, and trees faded into the darkness and teetered off at the end near the stables where Taylor's parents raised horses.

The lights from the house created a warm haze. I took a step back from Poppy, hoping that the distance would help me have more self-control.

"Pops, you know we can't, you know I can't. Not to Cole, not anymore-"

My voice sounded weak and fragile, I was practically begging her to loosen her effect on me. I couldn't say no to her and she knew that. She edged closer to me, attempting to close the gap between us. So I shuffled back again opening the space between us. This provoked her to step closer to me yet again; it looked like some kind of crappy rehearsed dance.

"Stop this shit Poppy, I mean it."

I placed my hands on her shoulder, lifting her up and placing her a few meters away from me. I was so tempted to lift her up throw her over my shoulder and take her away with me. Though my words were tough and controlled my voice failed to execute the forceful musicality I had planned for it to sound like.

"Nothing has stopped you before."

Her voice was playful and somewhat tormenting, but she was right. She pressed into me hugging me. I hugged back. I couldn't help it, it was automatic. The closeness of it all was too much, she felt good. She felt familiar.

I was already failing at my own game. I don't fall for girls, usually but I had somehow fallen for Poppy. I had only adjusted to not being around her since she left for college in the summer, this is the first time she had come back. When she left for college she really left, she didn't want to see me. She stopped calling me, unfollowed me, stopped texting me. She told me it was for the best, I started to believe that, common sense told me that.

I remembered messaging her constantly the first week she left. I would see the three dots appear and then fade away. I push her back, I pushed her away from me. She looked up at me with shock and confusion. I cleared my throat as to make a declaration.

"I needed you. You left me, you did that to me."

I gestured to my forearm which was slightly discoloured from the needles. She snapped her head back looking at me in disgust as if she had no idea what I was referring to.

She took a couple more steps back shaking her head, she stammered, "I didn't, I wouldn't, I didn't do anything to you that you didn't do to yourself!" The words cut inside me tearing me up as I heard them repeatedly in the echoing in my mind. I couldn't believe her right now. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"I did this?" I practically spat at her, choking on my words.

She looked down at her feet unable to meet my gaze as she confidently did a couple of minutes ago. She snuffled under her hair, crying? I found myself falling back to her and cradling her head in my hands.

At that moment I was both drunk and sober. I came to the crushing realisation that she was just using me. That she wanted us remain in this secret relationship, me starring as her low-key plaything when she came home from college. I knew she had found someone else, someone who wasn't her baby brother's best friend, someone who wasn't a secret. I suddenly couldn't contain my thoughts any longer, I had to know.

"Pops, are you seeing someone? I thought, well that we-"

She let out a quite growing sound and rolled her eyes she pulled away from our embrace and stood away from me. Her tears all dried up, I questioned whether she was even crying at all or just manipulating me as she did so well.

"No one Harrison!"

Liar.

"It's always been you."

Liar.

"Don't you believe me?"

I knew she was lying, I knew better than this, I was better than this, was I? I couldn't fathom what she had just said. We agreed when we first met, no funny business, no emotions, no feelings. What on earth would I say to Cole? She left me, she chose to go to college so far from here, to get away from me. I took it personally. She left me when I needed her. It was personal.

The longer I thought about it, the angrier I became. My fists tighten, I turned away from her, suddenly I had a splitting headache. I look down at my knuckles which were scarred from previous fights, on my right hand I had my favourite tattoo, it reminded me to keep clam, it reminded me to be the better person. The tattoo had the initials JMC which stood for Jade Maddie Cohen, my baby sister.

I sighed turning around on my heels to face Poppy, my shoulders lifted higher as I thought of what Jade would say to me now if she saw me. She'd tell me that I was better than this, that I didn't need to rise to this.

"Well you can't keep running back to me when you're lonely Poppy."

I took another deep breath in. I paused, thinking of what I was to say next, my mind was blank and all I could hear was white noise.

"This year is different because I've met someone."

What the fuck did I say that for?

When I didn't hear a response I stepped closer to Poppy. Her face had dropped she was taken back, she furrowed her eyebrows and pursed her lips. She took two steps towards me and placed her beer bottle down on the ground.

"Who?"

I didn't know what to say to her, I panicked. I have never been able to lie to her. I stood mute, unable to muster the strength to speak at all.

"Who?"

She repeated her question, slightly louder this time. I was unable to move. My face remained still as I spoke.

"A new girl at school. She's nice, she's not you."

Poppy scoffed at the idea, she knew every girl in our school and obviously did not think anyone could take my attention from her.

"Who?"

This time Poppy was forceful, she was angry at me. I didn't understand why. I should be the one who is angry, I should be the one who is hurt. She left me.

"Evie."

I hung my head once I had said her name. I knew it was a lie, Evie hadn't even spoken to me since the year had started. Everyone wanted to get to know her, myself included. She was mysterious, a challenge. Poppy didn't speak, her eyes looked over my shoulder and were fixed on something else, someone else, I followed her gaze and saw Evie and Cole sat with each other.

"Isn't that your girl with Cole?"

She spoke with an air of arrogance as she placed air quotation marks when she said 'your'.

I took a breath in. It was more than personal now it was critical that I get Evie. My eyes jolt back to Poppy.

"She will be."