Delirium: Crash & Burn

Part XXXIII

Evie

I turned up the music in my earphones whilst I scrolled through my direct messages. Having 'Drake's Essentials' playing in my ears made the message chains seem better, less toxic, less nasty and poisonous. The humming of the hip hop instrumental and the melodic tune of his rapping seemed to make my pain feel creative, like I could endure anything and still come out on top. I liked when musicians describe pain and loss and how they were laughed at, mocked, how they were the underdog but still came up and showed the people who laughed that they cannot laugh at them anymore.

It was empowering, it was a direct contradiction to what was happening to me right now.  I had started some kind of ritual, in the morning when I'd wake up I'd scroll through the new messages from the same cyber bullies, sometimes I'd reply and ask for them to leave me alone and sometimes I would just read the messages, feeling the poisonous words sink into my skin. I really didn't know what to do with them, how to react or respond.

It had all gotten out of hand and after everyone found out, I was mobbed on the internet. Most people had moved on and didn't bother to retweet or post about me anymore, but there were some who stuck around. They lingered in the past and would bring it up daily, reiterating my shame and reinforcing how much they thought that I should die. These people were incognito, they were faceless masks on twitter and Instagram, the users with no names or pictures, the ones that are called 'unknown2201' or 'user2019', those people.

Some days were better than the rest; I had come to grips with the suicide notes that were left in my direct messages, the ones that told me where to go, how to do it and what to leave in my suicide note. Some even went to the extent of mentioning how I'd be just like my dad, that I will die just as he did, at the mercy of his own hands.

I had considered it a couple of times, the first night after it all happened and Harrison left, I considered doing it. That night I wondered downstairs to the kitchen looking for something to use, I rummaged through the drawers hoping to find something that was not going to cause me too much pain and wouldn't be too much for the police to clean up. As I ransacked the drawers I found my dad's book, I turned the page, I was familiar with its content but I had hidden it recently unable to finish it.

I turned to the folded page where I had left off and continued to read. That night I sat on the kitchen floor reading and crying. The words on the page resonated with me, his words were constructive but kind and they gave me peace of mind. I suppose this is how people feel when they read the Bible. I closed the book taking it upstairs with me, it sat on my bedside table and whenever I would consider the things I was considering that night I would quickly glance at the book's cover and the need to hurt myself would dissolve. I knew I had a purpose, that my life couldn't end now.

I hadn't been back to school in a couple of days, I told Pam I had flu, I knew that she knew that I didn't but she didn't question me, she trusted that for whatever reason, I felt like I couldn't go back to school for a while. I had been actively dodging Harrison's texts and screening his calls, he left me a voice message everyday that he didn't see me, I had 5 now. I didn't listen to them, I was too afraid that I'd hear his sweet voice and crumble, falling into a million pieces and then pit of self loathing. I missed the soft huskiness of his voice, the kind masculinity and his deep breathless laugh.

I knew at this point that Harrison wasn't the culprit who had told my secrets, I was ashamed of myself for even coming to that conclusion. I didn't speak to him as most sound minded humans would, I suppose I had too much pride to apologise to him. I wouldn't know where to start, what I'd say. Plus I had bigger problems at the moment. I wanted the cyber attacks and harassments to stop, I just didn't know how to stick up for myself, how to protect myself from it. I bet my dad would have known what I should do. I sighed shutting off my twitter for the morning; I had enough of that for a day.